Please God No

Former Press Secretary Tony Snow has unexpectedly taken a new position at the DOPOH (the Department Of the President Of Hell), it was reported Saturday.
During an exclusive interview via satellite phone this afternoon, Snow expressed gratitude for his new role.
"My conscious bothers me a lot less now! I honestly feel more favorably about the administration I represent here than I did during my term at the White House. I wake up refreshed knowing that all I have to do (here in hell) is lie about murdered babies and defend child rapists! This job requires way less manipulation and double talk than was expected of me working for the Bush administration!"
Probed further about his current role working for Beelzebub , Snow continued, "I lied the United States into slaughtering more than 3,000 American soldiers and tens of thousands of civilians in Iraq. I lied... And I was good at it. That's why I feel qualified for this position in the underworld and that's why I feel like this job suits me. It is right up my alley. I mean some people were made to grow crops, some were born to smelt metal into tools, some were born to program electronic and computer devices, and some were born to defend serial-murdering baby-eating shit-snacking baby rapers. I feel like I am the later."
The Dark Prince declined to take part in this phone interview but regarding their new relationship Snow also added, "Satan has been very good to me here; We play cards, talk about stamp collecting, and throw lawn darts. He even replaced my hair and missing cancer-ridden (butt hole) large intestine."

Aaron Eilerts, 14, from Eagle Grove, Iowa; Josh Fennen, 13, Sam Thomsen, 13, of Omaha; and Ben Petrzilka,13 were postumusly awarded the uber-rare and coveted "Tornado merit badge," it was reported Saturday.
"These rare and sought-after badges are reserved only for our special Scouts that are crushed by tornado debris," stated current National President John Gottschalk in a telephone interview.
"You can build a fire from sticks, use a bow to shoot an apple off of your friend's head, and even leather work a rawhide baby seal into a wallet and this badge will still elude you."
"We feel our remarkable young men who are caught off guard by tornadoes are especially heroic. Their heroic actions make us all pause and think about the horrible, horrible, series of events that happened that fateful night in Iowa. What brave young men it took to so heroically be crushed by tornado debris. They are an inspiration to us all. "

"We now have a new Ziploc product in our line of multi-use plastic resealable bags. From snack, to sandwich, to freezer, to storage, and now to fetuses", announced newly appointed SC Johnson vice-president Beth Simermeyer on Wednesday.
"Our new 'Fetus Savers!' line of resealable home or back alley abortion bags will hopefully positively reinforce our market share and investor trust as an innovative and edgy company that has it's consumer's best interests at heart."
"The new bags hold approximately 20-30 first trimester fetuses, 10-12 second trimester fetuses, or at least 2 full term or full term partial birth fetus remnants... All with no pesky amniotic or fetal fluid spillage. Our competitors can't say that!"
"These bags are freezer and microwave safe and contain an interlocking air tight zipper seal that guarantees that your fetus will stay as fresh as the day your boyfriend got a pay day advance loan to cover your $300 abortion."

Males all over the country praised the new line of "anti-vaginal stink" condoms released by Trojan brand condoms this week.
"It is a standard latex condom with a Pine-scented car freshener attached to the base", stated Trojan CEO Linda Kaplan Thaler earlier this afternoon. "No pregnancy, no STD's, and now... no smell! What an innovation!"
"If a vagina doesn't stink, it's an anomaly, I don't care how fat or skinny your hoe is", Terry Steindel, a realtor from the Ramsey, Minnesota stated Sunday.
"This device not only makes my girlfriend's snatch smell like a towel-head middle-eastern cab driver, but it also makes it not smell like a vagina... which is nasty."
Steindel, who recently stuffed local mailboxes with a cheap Staples brand double sided black and white photocopy of his latest pamphlet entitled, "Why I am are the best lover", continued...
"It makes her vagina smell like a Iraqi, and it makes my balls smell like an equally-attractive pine-scented computer support engineer from India."
Computer manufacturers Dell and Gateway could not be reached for comment as of press.

In another move to appeal to the large African-American voter base, presidential candidate Barack Obama released his new "Obama bucks" food stamp program, it was reported Monday.
"Barack cares about his constituents", Obama's campaign manager David Plouffe stated in an interview Monday.
"Not only will this move expand the much needed food stamp program that ensures sustenance for millions of (black) children and needy adults, but it will also remind (the black) constituents of what they are at the store to buy. We see it as a win-win situation for the (black) community. It is like cash with a shopping list printed on it."
"Red Kool-Aid, fried chicken, watermelon, and even pork ribs are displayed on the document as a reminder", Plouffe continued, "The food stamp amount correlates to the cost of the item. For example, the $10 food stamp has things like ribs and chicken, while the $5 food stamp relevantly displays Collard Greens, diapers, and MD 20/20."

The United State Postal Service released it's new Myanmar themed stamps, it was reported today.
"What a terrible tragedy this country has suffered", stated United States Postmaster General John Potter. "What a reassuring and supportive thing we are doing for this devastated nation."
Asked about the choice of photos selected for the stamps, "What best sums up this country? Vast oil fields? Riches of gold and iron? It's lucrative child sex business? No", stated Potter, "It's the dead bloated black corpses flowing down the muddy embankments of the Salween river."
"We have a very selective system of choosing what images to use on stamps. First; we do market research to see what stamps will sell. Secondly, we create test run plates that further gauge the market. And lastly, we put dead bloated black people floating in bodies of water on them. This isn't something we just issue without the proper research."
The reception to these stamps has thus far received luke-warm praise, with retail sales only half that of the moderately popular "The Girls of Columbine" commemorative stamp set issued last year featuring the scantly-clad and often wheel chair bound female victims of the infamous school shooting.

The Catholic community was stunned this week with the release of a horribly distasteful photo of Pope Benedict XVI shoveling Jews into a ditch.
"We thought we knew this cult-obsessed satan-worshiper better than this", stated local Catholic ex-cable installer Jeff Tornes. "I would have felt differently about drinking Kitten blood while chanting in tongues if I had known about 'the popes' past."
Often suspected, although never proven, the Pope's picture has been a wake up call for many American Catholics this week.
"I can't believe our spiritual leader and giver of sheep's blood and smoking incense-giving savior could do this to our people", said a long time congregation member of the Springfield, Illinois 'Church of the Immaculate Conception' congregation.
"We thought that he probably was singularly responsible for our salvation and forgiveness. We thought that following and worshiping him would make up for our complete lack of trust and faith in Jesus Christ. Now we know. He shoveled Jews into a ditch with a bulldozer... And he even wore a 'Pope Hat'!!!"
"Why would he have dressed like a pope... With a Pope hat and gold-plated robes," stated another member of the church.
"I mean, what a complete jackass."
"If he is going to shovel Jews into a ditch with a bulldozer, I am totally going to eat a McDonalds McRibb Sandwich every single motherfucking Friday from now until the end of time. Fuck that nigger."

I know a lot of readers of pleasegodno.com think that I just throw this shit together, and that I just kick back a few beers and pound on the keyboard twice a month and throw up a random 5 minute picture poking fun at someone less fortunate.
The Pope's visit got me thinking though, and I knew that I had to spend at least 10 minutes on a story for him. After all, he's the Pope!
I struggled with different ideas for this one. Of course there were the old standbys. The Pope on the toilet, the Pope clubbing baby seals, and even the Pope in a German gay porn movie. All of these ideas seemed a little sophomoric, so I settled on a picture of the holy pontiff on a bulldozer.
Here is a conceptual story board of the idea I had for the Pope article.
This proves, that no matter how poorly written and terrible it is, that I DO plan ahead. I do put at the very least a little teeny weeny bit of effort into the website.
Here is the conceptual drawing for the pope's visit.

In another cost-cutting measure, Jack Link's Jerky Inc, announced it's new standard .35 ounce beef jerky pack today.
"We feel that this is the best move for the consumer; same price, 72 ounce bag with triple resealable interlocking 'freshness connectors', and less Jerky. Our customers have spoken", aging founder Jack Link said during an interview on Sunday.
"Sure the customers are getting a little less of our wonderful and satisfying dried meat product, but for 8 dollars they are still getting a killer resealable bag that will end up on the passenger's side floor of their car until it is dug out of the seat adjustment mechanism months later."
"We used to sell 4 ounces of dried meat for 4 bucks, then we knocked it down to 3.65 ounces, and now, we are pleased to announce, our newest in our line of satisfying jerky products... The .35 ounce jerky stick in a 72 ounce triple Tupperware brand resealable sack. I think consumers are at a real advantage on this one."

In an alarming new study released this week, it was reported that 1 in 4 teenagers has a sexually transmitted disease. With only 50% of teenage girls having sex, this literally means half of them are getting an STD.
Using this method of deduction, this also means there are 25% of willing participants that I have not infected with my variety sampler of different and disfiguring diseases.
To all the teenagers that are currently infected, I would like to offer my heartfelt apology... "Sorry, my bad"
To the rest of the girls, I would like to give you my promise, that I am not infected, and would love to show you my parent's basement and my stamp collection.

Local diabetic Johnny "The ragman" Sutton emerged "Happy and reflective" this week upon being released from the amputee unit at the local hospital.
Dawning his new handicapped parking permit, Sutton stated, "It is totally whacked that I got my leg chopped off because of my out of control diabetes, but I am totally down with it (excited) to have a parking space so close to the entrance of the store."
"Think about how much time I will save at McDonalds, KFC, and Taco Bell. It is hard to put a price on a limb but it is virtually impossible to put a price on a totally awesome parking spot."
Mr. Sutton also expressed his pleasure at his recent 'awesome' parking spot at the Mall of America.
"Think about how fast I can get around with such an awesome parking spot. Every piece of fried chicken and each bottle of orange soda I've suffered through have paid off.... My leg may be gone, but I will save tons of time every time I go to park my car. Losing a leg sucks, but I gained a great parking spot."
Mr. Sutton expressed great excitement at being able to 'get in line' quickly for a Slurpy and a 'Tornado' dinner treat at the local 7-11.
"I have my wife push me to the front of the line with my sugar fix, and who's going to argue with me? I'm MISSING MY DAMN LEG!!! My diabetic missing leg is totally worth it. I am now complete because part of me is missing."

National Public radio did a story about someone I featured on Pleasegodno.com on Wednesday's "Day to Day Show" (Click here) and I have received dozens of personal emails questioning why I would pick on someone like Terry Steindel.
Our legal counsel has instructed us to state that "Terry Steindel is probably not retarded".
However; I would like to submit Exhibit 'A'... TerrySteindel.pdf This is a flyer of his he handed out a few months ago that has a few of the most painfully obvious problems that even Terry Schiavo would find laughable.
I have a high school education and am in no way an expert in the art of grammer and punctuation, and I am sure the trained eye could find dozens, if not hundreds, of additional mistakes. This link is just an example of the inexcusably horrible, and awful English skills used in a promotional flyer of a man who is about to handle hundreds of thousands of your dollars.
In regards to the NPR story, we feel Terry was completely ripped off by someone 'hired' to improve his web-image.
Great editorial judgment was displayed in the beginning part of the interview when Terry said, "They called me the most retarded real-estate agent......... In the World."
I have listened to this repeatedly on my Ipod and have almost wet my pants every time.
Terry, please hand me the burger and fries at the local burger shop, but please, for the love of God, don't try to sell me a house.

Hefty women everywhere were stunned this week by the callus remarks about a very serious incident involving fat women posted on Pleasegodno.com.
A recent scientific study found that a mere 4% of respondents found me "Funny" with only an additional 3% finding me "kind of funny".
"How dare he!", Exclaimed user BigNSexy this week.
"What a pig, what a lonely rodent!" stated user Curvy-N-Yummy.
FattyLovin even posted a comment entitled, "Die Pig!"
"I don't think this is funny," said username 2Much4U. "First he's making fun of people that have a serious disease of willingly shoveling way too much food into their mouths... What's next, making fun of murder?"
After several calls this afternoon, I was finally reached for comment.
When asked about the impact this negative reaction may have on me I was quoted as stating, "You know, this may really affect my dating pool. Most girls that will give me the time of day or either incredibly obese, or have a serious facial deformity. What happens when I make fun of people with serious facial deformities? My dating life will be over!"
"Fat girls don't think I'm funny. With all the fat woman surveyed responding to my remarks about fat women being shot, a whopping 93% thought I was "Not funny". This can only hurt me personally and socially."
With the obesity epidemic at all-time highs, obesity-coddling websites such as www.elasticwaist.com have garnered some pretty harsh criticism directed towards pleasgodno.com.
"I feel bad for hurting anyone's feelings, but a website like elasticwaist.com that serves up delicious dishes like 'House:The Episode Guide', 'Recipe Ideas', and 'Which color M&M's make you horny', I can't help but feel like they should write an article titled, 'I should get off of my lazy fat ass and do something except watch TV, eat food, and worry about which color M&M's make my stale vagina moist.' It's just a thought.

Lane Bryant (NasdaqGS:CHRS) announced it's new plus sized body bag collection just in time to help clean up one plus sized mess in their Chicago area retail store, it was reported Saturday afternoon.
During an afternoon interview with Dorrit Bern, CEO of Lane Bryant's parent company Charming Shoppes, Inc., Bern expressed sympathy for the victims of this afternoon's shooting.
"We were shocked to hear about the terrible gunning down of plus-sized women in our store. With that being said, our stockholders will be pleased to announce that we might still be able to make one final plus-sized sale to these plus-sized corpses."
"We have been excited about our new 'plus-sized body bag' campaign and this shooting has really put our new product off to a running start."
"For years, plus-sized dead women had to put up with the indignity of being zipped into a body bag that didn't fit right, or that felt constraining. With our new line of plus-sized body bags, our hope was to gain a market niche that we had not yet explored. Our new body bags are different because they are like regular body bags... but bigger!"
"With our innovative line of new products for the morbidly obese, we aim to make people as comfortable as possible no matter how fat they become. We actually manufacture novelty sized 12x shirts and slacks, as a joke, only to see sales skyrocket. It almost seems as though we can't manufacture an outfit big enough, that someone won't actually fit into. 'Free to be me', that is the Lane Bryant promise."

Heath Ledger's latest movie, "Weekend at Ledger's 3" was scrapped during production, sources close to the production crew said Friday.
"We thought about it long and hard, and decided that it would be too difficult for him to play a corpse in the latest comedy spectacle 'Weekend at Ledger's 3'", costar Mary Kate Olson said during an interview.
The latest installment of the popular "Weekend at Bernie's" series was to include Mary Kate Olson (Susie) and Michelle Williams (Katrina) as friends of their recently deceased boss who's death needs to be kept a secret.
"How can we possibly expect him to act like a proper corpse when he is all dead," Olson added. "This is worse than 'A Knight's tale.'"

French mega-pharmaceutical Sanofi-Aventis' president Jean-Francois Dehecq announced it would pull it's new Heath Ledger advertisements, it was reported late Tuesday.
"Given the uncertain circumstances surrounding Ledger's death, we feel it inappropriate to continue our, '...Really, really, really need to sleep' campaign", Dehecq stated.
"We extend our deepest French sympathies to Ledger, his family, his child, and gay cowboys everywhere."
*NEW* download this image in full resolution for your desktop wallpaper!!!Click here

Click on the picture to blow it up, but evidently the corpse formerly known as "Heath Ledger" had a wardrobe malfunction last night as his body bag peeped open and quietly exposed his back side and rear end.
"I was in shock!" A school teacher gawking at the body removal incident said. "I brought my 5 year old here to watch a celebrity's corpse being paraded around in front of thousands of gawking spectators and the media. I did NOT bring my 5 year old here to watch the inexcusable act of a male rear-end being exposed!"
"It looks like he was in rehearsal for "Broke Back Mountain 2".... Never leave your brother's behind", another spectator exclaimed.

Vagisil introduced it's new "Home Vaginal Stink Meter Kit", it was reported Wednesday.
"This is really an innovation in home vaginal stink detection," Vagisil Rep. Rebecca Gosch said during a phone interview.
"Vagina odor detection has rocketed into the 21st century with our new product. We here at Vagisil are thrilled!"
The new Home Vaginal Stink Meter Kit works by swabbing the inside of your vagina with a specially coated "stink stick". After 3 minutes your level of vaginal odor can be matched to a color chart that corresponds to your stink level.
"I swore I could smell a dirty sock," claimed one user, "but boy was I surprised when the stink meter told me I was closer to anhydrous ammonia."
Ms. Gosch ended the phone interview by stating, "Man dreamed of flight once... And watched it come true. Man dreamed of a device that; when powered up, could provide light to light up our houses and cities, and yes; man dreamed of one day, being able to stick a sharp plastic applicator - up your vagina - pull it out and wait a few minutes - and then compare the color on the applicator to a pre-printed color chart - to tell how bad your vagina odor was."

In all fairness, I thought I'd post this reply from Alltel wireless in a prompt response to my letter that was written a mere three weeks ago.


"Response (Peggie S) 01/14/2008 11:47 AM
Dear Mr. Pleasegodno,

I have reviewed your account and the numerous problems you have encountered with your handset. I apologize for the frustration this has caused.

Per the technical notations on your account the problems stems from the type of handset you are currently using. With that being said a decision has been made to adjust your current contracts within the upgrade period. This will allow you to visit the local Alltel retail and select new Alltel equipment at the contract price.

Once again Mr. Pleasegodno we sincerely apologize for all the inconvenience this matter has caused. If you would like to accept this offer please respond back to this email and we will be happy to adjust the current contract.

Thank you for giving us an opportunity to be your wireless service provider.

Sincerely

WSC Offline support"

Nice. This is the minimum I would have expected from a bookie, much less a cell phone company. I'm glad we've met at the crucial crossroads named "The minimal a company could provide to retain my business."
Thank you Alltel for letting me purchase another overpriced cellphone and extend my contract with a company I never wanted and never signed a contract with for another two years so my cellphone will work with your system!!!! You rock!!!

I'm not terribly attractive, but I don't have a job that requires my image to be beamed around the world to millions of TV sets.
She is so hard on the eyes in fact, that I would much rather see a fat ass with ears and hair on it's shoulder covering the New Hampshire caucuses.
This trainwreck of a reporter looks like Carnie Wilson accidentally sat on a bicycle that was missing the seat... Maybe she should have gone into radio...

In a completely stunning turn of events, Chuck Norris has captured the Iowa Republican caucus tonight.
"Who were they gonna vote for? A pagan (Romney), a woman (Clinton), that pathetic piece of Antique Farm Equipment (Obama)?"
"The choice is obvious. I'm going to blast my way into the Oval Office with machine guns and a confederate flag!"
"The first in the nation caucus has historically been seen as a good indication of the temperature of the nation," an insider in the Norris staff stated during a televised interview Thursday night. "We hope this major win supports our guns and chewing tobacco lobby we have formed."
With such bizarre campaign platforms such as "Mandatory gun possession for whites", "Tax cuts on Old Milwaukee", and "Legal age of consent; 12", Norris has surprised the political world.

After the suicide bombing and shooting that took Benazir Bhutto's life last week, many in the media have been speculating on what exactly caused her death.
"There is evidence that her death was caused by her really, really, stupid glasses", said Pakistani area optometrist Jaspal Khan. "There has been a lot of speculation that it was the assassins' bullet. Some say it was the latch on the skylight that she smashed her head into, but I tend to think that it was her horribly reprehensible frames."
Dr. Khan continued, "Would someone go through the hassle of murdering someone with different political views? Not likely. Her frames were WAY more offensive than her stance on human rights and the economy."
"The last bastion of humanity could not tolerate or accept her as a human being, or as a chick with horribly terrible prescription spectacle frames. This is the legacy she leaves behind."
Meanwhile, many Bhutto supporters have been left finding something else to do with their time.
"Finally I have time to gather food and water, and have time to knit and crochet clothes for my naked children", a Bhutto supporter said during an interview. "I have so much free time on my hands that I lay down and pretend I am not in a third world country where radicals murder political leaders commonly and our president is not completely insane!"
About her future in Pakistan, the supporter stated, "I am sorry to see her die... But her glass frames were just terrible... I mean, like... Terribly, terribly, horrible."

I'm sorry Alltel... My bad. I should have been more understanding. Why did I jump to such angry conclusions about your customer relations team and the service you do (or don't) provide. Attached are the emails that Alltel sent me to clear the whole situation up.

Me : "I just finished over an hour and a half worth of discussions with 7 different people with Alltel about my phone. I purchased a new phone 10 months ago from Midwest Wireless. Evidentally Alltel bought them out and my service changed. My web browser does not work (I am paying for it) and every time I send a text message now I get a text message sent back to me within a minute or so telling me the message has been deposited.
I have gone around and round with Sales, Technical Support, retention, customer service.
Finally I have been told that my Midwest Wireless phone is not compatible with your service. It is not my fault that in good faith I signed a contract with Midwest Wireless and you bought the contract from them and can no longer provide me with the service I am paying for.
After the last person I talked to there, a supervisor, they offered me a 1 year pricing on a new phone but I was told that I would have to replace all three phones even though I am not concerned about the other phone's text messaging or web browsing features.
There is nothing wrong with my phone and it is absolutely absurd to put the burden of making your system work with it on me. I have been a MidWest Wireless customer for almost 8 years and this is the single most frustrating problem I have ever had with a cellphone.
I could count the number of times I called Midwest Wireless in 8 years on 1 hand. I have made more than a half dozen calls to you in the last 9 months and have transferred around, given conflicting information, and wasted hours of your time and mine.
I would like my phone to work with your
system or I would like a replacement phone
that works with your system. I'm not
completely opposed to paying a small price
but I am opposed to paying a penalty for
replacing a perfectly good phone that, by no
fault of my own, is incompatible with your
system. "

In defense of Alltel, they did not reply to me withing 8 days so I wrote the following note:
"I just wanted to make sure you got this message. I am not surprised you have not even responded to me in 8 days. I will be resending this message every 3 days until I get an answer."

I got a prompt answer to that email! Maybe they care about their customers.... or maybe not...
"Thank you for taking the time to email The Alltel Online Customer Service Center. My name is Kathryn, and I am pleased to assist you with information regarding your equipment.

I do apologize for the wait due to high email volume. I reviewed your account and it showed that you have been explained that you will need to update to an Alltel equipment in order to have your text messaging working.

If you will like for your text messaging to work, you will need to switch equipments. I do apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused you.

If I can provide additional assistance, please let me know.

Again, we appreciate your business and thank you for choosing Alltel.

Sincerely,

Kathryn
Customer Service Specialist
The Alltel Online Customer Service Center"

Here is my response to my collective 5 hours of time trying to get everything amicably sorted out,
"What a wonderful and completely satisfying answer!!!! Did you write that all by yourself? It is awesome that you completely and accurately answered all my concerns about your service! Thank you so much for the individual attention you have given me!
Thank you for reiterating the obvious and providing absolutely nothing that could be considered an answer!
I am so happy I spend my hard-earned money with a company that is so customer-oriented and thorough as the Alltel customer support staff!!!!
You have earned my business and definitely offer the highest in customer service... I even wrote an article about it on my blog!!!! http://www.pleasegodno.com/
Fantastic! You guys rock!
Your letter made me believe that I was not only a customer, but I was a part of the Alltel network! Thank you so much!

I would like to talk to somebody in charge who did not graduate with a technical degree in bullshit and would love to address my concerns in an intelligable, thoughtful, and honest way. I am sorry this is not you. :( When you read my concerns, typed (more likely copy and pasted) them into a halfway intelligible sentence, and then sent me back an email containing these items. I thought.... All I wanted was cell phone service... but now it looks like I have a Harvard Laureate.
I am sure that your parent's would be proud of you if you sold drugs or sold your ass on the street, but to be an Alltel representative? TRAGIC!
You have not fixed, or even addressed, my questions. I thought I had hit an incompetent manager, but now I find out I have reached a staff, that when tested, has a lower understanding of customer service and business relations than Terry Shiavo. What a cocky, indifferent, asshole move you have pulled on me.
Your customer relations does not make you earn my business. Your customer support does not retain my business. You are the most absurdly incompetent, inefficient, confused, and utterly self-centered company I have ever had the experience of working with.
I pledge, that from this day forward, I will spend my days smearing your name through the mud, I will waste no expense defiling your name and telling everyone I know what a completely incompetent, absurdly unorganized, and shiftty organization you have. I am usually such a calm guy... And I have worked in customer service jobs for years.
You suck ass. You make every other company in the world that is trying to do the right thing look bad. MERRY CHRISTMAS ASSHOLES!!! "

Alltel sucks ass. They tickle your nuts and then don't even finish the job.. They will be on my radar until they fix this problem or go out of business.
Fuck Alltel