Saturday, February 2. 2008
Lane Bryant (NasdaqGS:CHRS) announced it's new plus sized body bag collection just in time to help clean up one plus sized mess in their Chicago area retail store, it was reported Saturday afternoon.
During an afternoon interview with Dorrit Bern, CEO of Lane Bryant's parent company Charming Shoppes, Inc., Bern expressed sympathy for the victims of this afternoon's shooting.
"We were shocked to hear about the terrible gunning down of plus-sized women in our store. With that being said, our stockholders will be pleased to announce that we might still be able to make one final plus-sized sale to these plus-sized corpses."
"We have been excited about our new 'plus-sized body bag' campaign and this shooting has really put our new product off to a running start."
"For years, plus-sized dead women had to put up with the indignity of being zipped into a body bag that didn't fit right, or that felt constraining. With our new line of plus-sized body bags, our hope was to gain a market niche that we had not yet explored. Our new body bags are different because they are like regular body bags... but bigger!"
"With our innovative line of new products for the morbidly obese, we aim to make people as comfortable as possible no matter how fat they become. We actually manufacture novelty sized 12x shirts and slacks, as a joke, only to see sales skyrocket. It almost seems as though we can't manufacture an outfit big enough, that someone won't actually fit into. 'Free to be me', that is the Lane Bryant promise."
I bet the victims' families will think this is hilarious.
Those women were wives, mothers, and daughters, not a punchline to a fat joke. And you're a douchebag.
Is this supposed to be cutting-edge humor? Is this supposed to be funny?
Get a life, moron.
You are a fucking douchebag. I am sure this would be hilarious if it were your wife or daughter. Rot in hell.
You wouldn't think it was so funny if it was a member of your family or someone that you cared about that died.
Wow, you're a fucking pig. You're getting exactly the kind of response you wanted, aren't you?
Thing is, you'll never learn, you are an asswipe of humanity
Ok, I guess I am the only one that thinks this is funny. I forwarded it to all of my family and everyone I know thinks it's funny. I just think people that don't think it's funny are just more likely to leave comments...
Having a bunch of who I'll assume are women freak out about how horrible you are for saying this isn't terribly surprising. It was tragic, it was horrible, and I'm sure even the author knows this. Many people try to find the positive side, just to deal with the atrocity of the act.
This was actually pretty funny to me, and yes, several of my friends, some of whom happen to be women. In a world full of sick and disgusting things happening all around us, a little comedy, however dark, helps make it all worth tolerating.
Chill out ladies.
Wow either Justin Blackburn is really stupid or else someone who hates him is signing his name in comments to make him look like a shitpig creep who's so socially stunted he doesn't know when a joke isn't a joke.
Good luck with that job search, dumbass.
(And, no, not everyone you know thinks it's funny. Some are cringing on the inside and thinking that you're almost as much of a dick as the guy who wrote the original article.)
Listen Fatty, put down the tub of ice cream and get a sense of humor. There are lots of things in this world that are unfortunate but still fun to make fun of.
Well, yeah, like your pencil dick. And hey, you douchenozzle clown fart from Shitbag City, I'm a fucking laugh riot, but just because I have a sense of humor and can come up with way funnier insults than "Listen fatty, put down the tub of ice cream" doesn't mean I don't know when a pathetic joke is really inappropriate.
Listen, asshat, put down the penis pump and get a conscience.
What's funny is that your site is now hosting a real ad for plus-size clothing. Tee-hee.
I feel really sorry for you. This post shows a complete lack of self-awareness. It's as if you've lived a completely frivolous, privileged life, free of catastrophe or tragedy. You don't care about anyone else or their pain, and this makes you a very lonely person. I feel sorry for you, but I wouldn't want to come within 50 miles of you.
For the families of these women, I offer my support and prayers. For them, I wish that them every blessing and good thought in the world, to ease their suffering and pain.
For you, however, the suffering is just beginning.
"Put down the ice cream" is a sense of humor? What are you, in second grade?
And person who does this blog: Stop jerking off. What a loser.
Bunch of people will be contacting google adsense as well as the sponsors here. If you want to make pathetic moron jokes (which are not only cruel, but boring and lame, incidentally) that's your right, but you shouldn't be making money off of being a douchebag.
This is a sick sad excuse for a joke. If you're going for satire, you failed horribly. Asshole.
Wow. I mean, seriously wow. You think death is funny? Do you go to funerals to get a good laugh? I mean really.
You should consider you couldn't write this article if you suggested these were body bags specifically for Blacks. Yet it's the exactly same form of sick discriminating humor.
I don't even really know what to make of you. I think you need to see a psychatrist. Maybe even be under hold at a mental health facility. I mean, you think people dying is funny. Would you be laughing if someone close to you died?
Sarah you think people making light of dead fat women is harmless? So we should just wait until there is intentional harm done to plus-size people to be outraged about it?
This is hilarious! Dude you're getting all kinds of remarks from a bunch of fat cunts who read some fat blogsite called Shapely Prose. Basically, it's a site where fatties go to tell each other that it's ok to be obese. Keep up the good work!!!
Dude, he's getting all kinds of responses from people who don't think he's fucking funny.
And hey, guess what--I, personally, would rather hang out with someone who's obese than an immature, emotionally stunted fuckwit like you. Even if you're in eighth grade, that's pretty pathetic.
I am not by any means obese. I looked up the lane bryant shooting and came to this site somehow. THis was right by my house. What kind of ass would think murder in any form of any person is funny. You will pay one day. You are obviouly a pre teen who has never experienced a tragedy in your life, but you will and I do believe you will not be making jokles then, You will look online to find updates or information about your loved ones and we will see if you are laughing then
You know, when you post something like this and all but two of the people who comment tell you that your little joke is cruel, sick, childish, and not particularly funny, you may want to consider the notion that they have a point.
This is not edgy. This is not satire. There is nothing clever or witty about this, nothing to push it over the line from juvenile asshattery to true black humor. The whole of this article can be distilled down to, "Hey, fat women. But, like, DEAD fat women! And they're fat!"
Oh, no Aebhel doesn't want to hang out with me. Let me wipe away the tears.
I already posted this on another blog but it's too good not to share again!
You fatties need to get a sense of humor. Obese women being shot is funny!
I can imagine them cowering in the store trying to "strategerize" a way out.
One of them probably asked ," What would Kate Harding do?"
Another opined, "We can make a break for it and run for the door." But then all hope was lost when a third woman responded, "You do realize that we're morbidly obese. A turtle could beat us to the front door. Let's face it ladies, we're dead meat." And then in a moment of fat pride unity they all said, "Mmmm......meat."
No, drooling fuckwit, it's not funny. But the thought of you taking off your clothes and the woman laughing her head off at your two-inch dick and you totally losing the little hard-on you managed to get (and that two inches was AFTER you got wood, or twig in your case) does make me smile. Because I have to assume that that happens to you all the time.
That woman laughing her head off was your mother! I fucked the shit out of her on your bed, by the way. When I was done. I wiped my cock with your six XXX Fat Chicks Rule! t-shirt. I also swabbed out her cunt with your toothbrush. Tasty!
Hey Alex, that scenario of you pumping away with your little dick sounds so hot! I once met this little gay hustler from Philly named Alex...was that you? The little dick thing didn't handicap him at all, since his specialty was getting it in the ass!
Don't knock the fat girls either...apart from you and me, they're only ones who apparently come to this site.
My little dick would put the biggest smile on your cunt girlfriend. But something tells me you're a sperm burper. Sorry, I don't play for your team. Hey, did you cry when heath ledger died? Apparently, he's like the gay man's god. I'll knock the fat girls as much as I want, with my wit and my baseball bat. Faggot.
So, let's see, threatening assault for no real good reason... hm. Yeah, this attracts a rational bunch.
Your scathing remarks and harsh reactions to people's posts really do make you sound like you're compensating for your penis size. In all honesty, you just sound like some rebellious teen from 4chan with no social life and no friends beyond the ones on his computer screen. Sounds like a sad life.
So we have no reason to fear your comments, Alex. You remind us of the qualities that make us better than you, like maturity and sanity.
Hope your life gets better...
I think he's rather handsome. Let's see your pic dick. Or is it cunt faggot?
Alex, you are so slow! In real life I'm not gay or a man, but duh, the whole point of that comment was for me to be salivating on you as a gay man. Anyone else could have seen that from fifty miles away. Jeez, I'm not gonna waste any more time on you. I picture you swinging your baseball bat and hitting yourself in the face with it.
Take care, and good luck. Seriously.
Ooh, you pretended to be a guy. How clever? Why don't you pretend being skinny and beautiful? Then you'll be loved.
Ignore the post above this.
Ah, so another element is added to my overall perception of who you are behind the keyboard: you have severe body-image issues. You're probably anorexic.
Just another reason to take what you say with a grain of salt.
I just wanted to let everyone know, that while I appreciate all the attention over something as simple as a really, really funny satire article, I just wanted to let you know that comments left such as , "Small penis dicksucker" or other completely useless comments will be deleted. If it continues I will be forced to moderate all comments, which I don't really have the time to do...
Oh, is the fatties hurting your feelings with the small dick jokes?
I'm fat. I think the joke was a bit tasteless, but only because of the timing. Timing is everything when it comes to comedy. It was simply too soon to make such a post.
Looks like the idiots have finally arrived. If you can, I know it's hard, try to think. Try to think if someone you loved died, and people made jokes about them. Would you laugh?
Maybe you would, it seems a good lot of you trolls are sick people who enjoy the suffering of others.
I also agree Alex is most likely one of those deranged f**k-ups from 4chan. Why don't you go back there and jack-off on some Lolicon. Stop wasting space here.
Two inch pecker? Wow, you fatties have a vivid imagination. Kind of like when you see a cute guy look in your direction and you start thinking, " I think that guy's into me. He keeps looking my way!" Guess what? He's not looking at you cause he thinks you're cute. He's looking at you like we look at traffic accidents. Fat girls are a freak of nature.
"If somehow we could harness the friction caused by fat women wearing corduroys we could end our dependence on foreign oil." - Al Gore.
Excellent article! Join our church, we love to spread hatred. You'll fit right in.
Alex, right you're just pro-pedophilia. Seeing as you're a pedophile.
If this were an article making fun of black people, or gay people, would some of the haters' comments say here:
"I think shooting fags is funny"
"I think shooting n*ggers is funny."
You think there would be an outrage then? Why do you imagine it's so different when you target another group, in this case, fat people (especially fat women)?
It must be nice to have a group of people you can automatically feel superior to, regardless of the content of your character, your talents, your experiences.
When are you bitches going to get it through your fat heads that fat women have no value. It's in the bible!
Jackie, I'm sure you're the "funny one" from your group of fat friends. But you also have the most stretch marks. You're worthless.
Now let me go smack an ice cream cone out of a chubby little girl's hand. She'll thank me when she gets to high school.
You're a very sad person, Alex. I hope you find the help you desperately need.
Me too, David. You know what would help me? If your wife blew me. Fat girls give the best bj's.
I just wanted to add that I'm far from plus size. Don't assume that everyone who thinks that you're an asshole because of your stupid joke is "fat".
if you're moderating commments now you chickenshit specimen
This article sucked ass, dude. Black humour is really funny- this was not. Just poorly executed about subject matter that doesn't really have a funny side. You, sir, are a dissapointment to everyone who has ever read your excuse for humourous prose.
What a sad excuse for a human being. Hope you die of a brain embolism. While you are on fire. But I'll settle for just painfully, messily dead. Sodomized to death would be nice. Oh, wait! Paralyzed, blinded, deafend, and mute! Then kept alive! That'd be nice.
I'm amazed at how many people took offense to this hilarious article. You fat fucks sure have a lot of time on your hands and chicken grease. Put down the KFC assholes! Kate Harding, Sniper, Sweetmachine, Harriet Brown, Fillyjonk, I hope you all get cervical cancer and have to have your vaginas removed.
Yay! Finally a body bag that will fit me comfortably when I die:) I wonder if they come in designer colors...
So people you don't want to fuck are somehow less deserving of life? Wow. Don't breed.
You are a fucking asshole. How you can believe it's right to make fun of such a situation is astonishing. There's a special place in hell for you.
Alex, only a monster would wish Cancer on someone. You are a monster. Did your mother ever tell you she wishes you were never born?
Honestly, I think Alex from Philly is getting a kick out of arguing with everyone. Obviously his replies are simply words with little meaning behind them. If he truly understood what death meant and effect it has on others he wouldn't so easily wish death on others. It is also obvious he has little respect for women in general. "I hope you all get cervical cancer and have to have your vaginas removed." It's distasteful to any woman.
In addition, the article was classless. I'm guessing the author was attempting humor but failed miserably because his underlying message was to shame heavy women. Again, this is distasteful to any woman. Women already have a lot of pressure imposed on them by society to appear a certain way. This article attempts to state that if a woman were to appear as a size beyond "ideal" that women should then be subject to mockery and degradation. Women who are overweight deal with their weight on a daily basis, including any physical limitations and health problems which may be associated with their weight. I don't understand why people believe it necessary to also add emotional distress and social inadequacy to the equation?
Anyone can easily become overweight or even obese. The author of this article fails to understand that these women are just that, women. They have families and loved ones. Is it socially acceptable to make fun of women who die tragically?
I believe this article is not only against the heavy woman but against women. Those who wrote and support this article don't respect women, large, medium or small.
Wow - you really ARE a dick.. and skinny girls hate you too.
Wow - you really ARE a jackass.. and skinny girls hate you too.
I'm fat, and i thought the article was hilarious. It's also funny how pissed off people get....good stuff...hahaha
Wow, I just read the article and all of the remaining comments. After the comments I had to reread the article to see if I had read the same thing the rest of you had.
What I read was a parody depicting Lane Bryant in the role as the heartless American corporation trying to turn a horrific event into a profit opportunity. I didn't see any demeaning comment toward "fat women" anywhere, only flip genderless quotes from the CEO of the evil corporation.
It wasn't about fat women, it was about corporate greed.
The article wasn't hilarious but it was good. What was truly offensive was the mile of comments following the article.
You may now attack my intellect, morality, taste, maturity, and of course my penis.
Wow. Not only are you not funny, but your writing is poor, and you are clearly racist and borderline retarded (no disrespect to the retarded community intended by this comparison).
If you want to see what you are trying to do done properly, go to theonion.com.
At least they had the decency to wait a few weeks to come out with a post 9/11 issue that was both brutally hilarious, but somehow still quite respectful of the victims of such a horrific tragedy.
How long did you wait to write about the Lane Bryant slayings?
I really hope someone close to you doesn't report to work on a typical day, or go to pick up something from the store, only to be bound up ad shot in the head execution style. Fuck you, assholes. (And note: unlike the other reader who have comented on your articles, I don't come across like a fucking moron).
Julianne. Not only do you come across as a moron. You come across as a lazy, fat, cunt. i wish you were in that store that day and had gotten shot. Now go finish you bucket of KFC. And don't forget to eat the bones too.
And if the Prosthetic Penis shop introduced a new condom to fit your incredibly small, limp cock, would you find this acceptably funny and newsworthy? Sure you would, because that's the kind of fair, equal opportunity humor you espouse. Dickstain.
oh my god that was the funniest thing I have ever read. Is that real? And were all the people commenting serious? ahhahahah
84 Lane Bryant Unveils new plus size body bag collection just in time for store shooting .. I like it