Please God No

The Catholic community was stunned this week with the release of a horribly distasteful photo of Pope Benedict XVI shoveling Jews into a ditch.
"We thought we knew this cult-obsessed satan-worshiper better than this", stated local Catholic ex-cable installer Jeff Tornes. "I would have felt differently about drinking Kitten blood while chanting in tongues if I had known about 'the popes' past."
Often suspected, although never proven, the Pope's picture has been a wake up call for many American Catholics this week.
"I can't believe our spiritual leader and giver of sheep's blood and smoking incense-giving savior could do this to our people", said a long time congregation member of the Springfield, Illinois 'Church of the Immaculate Conception' congregation.
"We thought that he probably was singularly responsible for our salvation and forgiveness. We thought that following and worshiping him would make up for our complete lack of trust and faith in Jesus Christ. Now we know. He shoveled Jews into a ditch with a bulldozer... And he even wore a 'Pope Hat'!!!"
"Why would he have dressed like a pope... With a Pope hat and gold-plated robes," stated another member of the church.
"I mean, what a complete jackass."
"If he is going to shovel Jews into a ditch with a bulldozer, I am totally going to eat a McDonalds McRibb Sandwich every single motherfucking Friday from now until the end of time. Fuck that nigger."

I know a lot of readers of pleasegodno.com think that I just throw this shit together, and that I just kick back a few beers and pound on the keyboard twice a month and throw up a random 5 minute picture poking fun at someone less fortunate.
The Pope's visit got me thinking though, and I knew that I had to spend at least 10 minutes on a story for him. After all, he's the Pope!
I struggled with different ideas for this one. Of course there were the old standbys. The Pope on the toilet, the Pope clubbing baby seals, and even the Pope in a German gay porn movie. All of these ideas seemed a little sophomoric, so I settled on a picture of the holy pontiff on a bulldozer.
Here is a conceptual story board of the idea I had for the Pope article.
This proves, that no matter how poorly written and terrible it is, that I DO plan ahead. I do put at the very least a little teeny weeny bit of effort into the website.
Here is the conceptual drawing for the pope's visit.

In another cost-cutting measure, Jack Link's Jerky Inc, announced it's new standard .35 ounce beef jerky pack today.
"We feel that this is the best move for the consumer; same price, 72 ounce bag with triple resealable interlocking 'freshness connectors', and less Jerky. Our customers have spoken", aging founder Jack Link said during an interview on Sunday.
"Sure the customers are getting a little less of our wonderful and satisfying dried meat product, but for 8 dollars they are still getting a killer resealable bag that will end up on the passenger's side floor of their car until it is dug out of the seat adjustment mechanism months later."
"We used to sell 4 ounces of dried meat for 4 bucks, then we knocked it down to 3.65 ounces, and now, we are pleased to announce, our newest in our line of satisfying jerky products... The .35 ounce jerky stick in a 72 ounce triple Tupperware brand resealable sack. I think consumers are at a real advantage on this one."

In an alarming new study released this week, it was reported that 1 in 4 teenagers has a sexually transmitted disease. With only 50% of teenage girls having sex, this literally means half of them are getting an STD.
Using this method of deduction, this also means there are 25% of willing participants that I have not infected with my variety sampler of different and disfiguring diseases.
To all the teenagers that are currently infected, I would like to offer my heartfelt apology... "Sorry, my bad"
To the rest of the girls, I would like to give you my promise, that I am not infected, and would love to show you my parent's basement and my stamp collection.

Local diabetic Johnny "The ragman" Sutton emerged "Happy and reflective" this week upon being released from the amputee unit at the local hospital.
Dawning his new handicapped parking permit, Sutton stated, "It is totally whacked that I got my leg chopped off because of my out of control diabetes, but I am totally down with it (excited) to have a parking space so close to the entrance of the store."
"Think about how much time I will save at McDonalds, KFC, and Taco Bell. It is hard to put a price on a limb but it is virtually impossible to put a price on a totally awesome parking spot."
Mr. Sutton also expressed his pleasure at his recent 'awesome' parking spot at the Mall of America.
"Think about how fast I can get around with such an awesome parking spot. Every piece of fried chicken and each bottle of orange soda I've suffered through have paid off.... My leg may be gone, but I will save tons of time every time I go to park my car. Losing a leg sucks, but I gained a great parking spot."
Mr. Sutton expressed great excitement at being able to 'get in line' quickly for a Slurpy and a 'Tornado' dinner treat at the local 7-11.
"I have my wife push me to the front of the line with my sugar fix, and who's going to argue with me? I'm MISSING MY DAMN LEG!!! My diabetic missing leg is totally worth it. I am now complete because part of me is missing."

National Public radio did a story about someone I featured on Pleasegodno.com on Wednesday's "Day to Day Show" (Click here) and I have received dozens of personal emails questioning why I would pick on someone like Terry Steindel.
Our legal counsel has instructed us to state that "Terry Steindel is probably not retarded".
However; I would like to submit Exhibit 'A'... TerrySteindel.pdf This is a flyer of his he handed out a few months ago that has a few of the most painfully obvious problems that even Terry Schiavo would find laughable.
I have a high school education and am in no way an expert in the art of grammer and punctuation, and I am sure the trained eye could find dozens, if not hundreds, of additional mistakes. This link is just an example of the inexcusably horrible, and awful English skills used in a promotional flyer of a man who is about to handle hundreds of thousands of your dollars.
In regards to the NPR story, we feel Terry was completely ripped off by someone 'hired' to improve his web-image.
Great editorial judgment was displayed in the beginning part of the interview when Terry said, "They called me the most retarded real-estate agent......... In the World."
I have listened to this repeatedly on my Ipod and have almost wet my pants every time.
Terry, please hand me the burger and fries at the local burger shop, but please, for the love of God, don't try to sell me a house.

Hefty women everywhere were stunned this week by the callus remarks about a very serious incident involving fat women posted on Pleasegodno.com.
A recent scientific study found that a mere 4% of respondents found me "Funny" with only an additional 3% finding me "kind of funny".
"How dare he!", Exclaimed user BigNSexy this week.
"What a pig, what a lonely rodent!" stated user Curvy-N-Yummy.
FattyLovin even posted a comment entitled, "Die Pig!"
"I don't think this is funny," said username 2Much4U. "First he's making fun of people that have a serious disease of willingly shoveling way too much food into their mouths... What's next, making fun of murder?"
After several calls this afternoon, I was finally reached for comment.
When asked about the impact this negative reaction may have on me I was quoted as stating, "You know, this may really affect my dating pool. Most girls that will give me the time of day or either incredibly obese, or have a serious facial deformity. What happens when I make fun of people with serious facial deformities? My dating life will be over!"
"Fat girls don't think I'm funny. With all the fat woman surveyed responding to my remarks about fat women being shot, a whopping 93% thought I was "Not funny". This can only hurt me personally and socially."
With the obesity epidemic at all-time highs, obesity-coddling websites such as www.elasticwaist.com have garnered some pretty harsh criticism directed towards pleasgodno.com.
"I feel bad for hurting anyone's feelings, but a website like elasticwaist.com that serves up delicious dishes like 'House:The Episode Guide', 'Recipe Ideas', and 'Which color M&M's make you horny', I can't help but feel like they should write an article titled, 'I should get off of my lazy fat ass and do something except watch TV, eat food, and worry about which color M&M's make my stale vagina moist.' It's just a thought.

Lane Bryant (NasdaqGS:CHRS) announced it's new plus sized body bag collection just in time to help clean up one plus sized mess in their Chicago area retail store, it was reported Saturday afternoon.
During an afternoon interview with Dorrit Bern, CEO of Lane Bryant's parent company Charming Shoppes, Inc., Bern expressed sympathy for the victims of this afternoon's shooting.
"We were shocked to hear about the terrible gunning down of plus-sized women in our store. With that being said, our stockholders will be pleased to announce that we might still be able to make one final plus-sized sale to these plus-sized corpses."
"We have been excited about our new 'plus-sized body bag' campaign and this shooting has really put our new product off to a running start."
"For years, plus-sized dead women had to put up with the indignity of being zipped into a body bag that didn't fit right, or that felt constraining. With our new line of plus-sized body bags, our hope was to gain a market niche that we had not yet explored. Our new body bags are different because they are like regular body bags... but bigger!"
"With our innovative line of new products for the morbidly obese, we aim to make people as comfortable as possible no matter how fat they become. We actually manufacture novelty sized 12x shirts and slacks, as a joke, only to see sales skyrocket. It almost seems as though we can't manufacture an outfit big enough, that someone won't actually fit into. 'Free to be me', that is the Lane Bryant promise."

Heath Ledger's latest movie, "Weekend at Ledger's 3" was scrapped during production, sources close to the production crew said Friday.
"We thought about it long and hard, and decided that it would be too difficult for him to play a corpse in the latest comedy spectacle 'Weekend at Ledger's 3'", costar Mary Kate Olson said during an interview.
The latest installment of the popular "Weekend at Bernie's" series was to include Mary Kate Olson (Susie) and Michelle Williams (Katrina) as friends of their recently deceased boss who's death needs to be kept a secret.
"How can we possibly expect him to act like a proper corpse when he is all dead," Olson added. "This is worse than 'A Knight's tale.'"

French mega-pharmaceutical Sanofi-Aventis' president Jean-Francois Dehecq announced it would pull it's new Heath Ledger advertisements, it was reported late Tuesday.
"Given the uncertain circumstances surrounding Ledger's death, we feel it inappropriate to continue our, '...Really, really, really need to sleep' campaign", Dehecq stated.
"We extend our deepest French sympathies to Ledger, his family, his child, and gay cowboys everywhere."
*NEW* download this image in full resolution for your desktop wallpaper!!!Click here

Click on the picture to blow it up, but evidently the corpse formerly known as "Heath Ledger" had a wardrobe malfunction last night as his body bag peeped open and quietly exposed his back side and rear end.
"I was in shock!" A school teacher gawking at the body removal incident said. "I brought my 5 year old here to watch a celebrity's corpse being paraded around in front of thousands of gawking spectators and the media. I did NOT bring my 5 year old here to watch the inexcusable act of a male rear-end being exposed!"
"It looks like he was in rehearsal for "Broke Back Mountain 2".... Never leave your brother's behind", another spectator exclaimed.

Vagisil introduced it's new "Home Vaginal Stink Meter Kit", it was reported Wednesday.
"This is really an innovation in home vaginal stink detection," Vagisil Rep. Rebecca Gosch said during a phone interview.
"Vagina odor detection has rocketed into the 21st century with our new product. We here at Vagisil are thrilled!"
The new Home Vaginal Stink Meter Kit works by swabbing the inside of your vagina with a specially coated "stink stick". After 3 minutes your level of vaginal odor can be matched to a color chart that corresponds to your stink level.
"I swore I could smell a dirty sock," claimed one user, "but boy was I surprised when the stink meter told me I was closer to anhydrous ammonia."
Ms. Gosch ended the phone interview by stating, "Man dreamed of flight once... And watched it come true. Man dreamed of a device that; when powered up, could provide light to light up our houses and cities, and yes; man dreamed of one day, being able to stick a sharp plastic applicator - up your vagina - pull it out and wait a few minutes - and then compare the color on the applicator to a pre-printed color chart - to tell how bad your vagina odor was."

In all fairness, I thought I'd post this reply from Alltel wireless in a prompt response to my letter that was written a mere three weeks ago.


"Response (Peggie S) 01/14/2008 11:47 AM
Dear Mr. Pleasegodno,

I have reviewed your account and the numerous problems you have encountered with your handset. I apologize for the frustration this has caused.

Per the technical notations on your account the problems stems from the type of handset you are currently using. With that being said a decision has been made to adjust your current contracts within the upgrade period. This will allow you to visit the local Alltel retail and select new Alltel equipment at the contract price.

Once again Mr. Pleasegodno we sincerely apologize for all the inconvenience this matter has caused. If you would like to accept this offer please respond back to this email and we will be happy to adjust the current contract.

Thank you for giving us an opportunity to be your wireless service provider.

Sincerely

WSC Offline support"

Nice. This is the minimum I would have expected from a bookie, much less a cell phone company. I'm glad we've met at the crucial crossroads named "The minimal a company could provide to retain my business."
Thank you Alltel for letting me purchase another overpriced cellphone and extend my contract with a company I never wanted and never signed a contract with for another two years so my cellphone will work with your system!!!! You rock!!!