Please God No

Colleen Hauser, the mother of cancer-riddled 13 year old Daniel Hauser, spoke to God this morning about her choice to rub eucalyptus and tea leaves on her Danny's tumor-filled body in lieu of proven and effective chemotherapy treatment.
"I can't say for sure, but I think God is kinda pissed at me", Mrs. Hauser stated in a phone interview Wednesday morning. "Yeah, I guess bathing him in Olive Oil, force feeding him raw baboon heart, and smearing his own 'leavings' into a cross shapes on his forehead, back, and buttocks didn't work as well as I thought it would. I've never been very good at science-y type of things."
Colleen also admitted that she "(is) a giant, selfish, ignorant, complacent, abusive, insane, reckless, arrogant blubbering butthole."
"When my son is gone", (which will be soon),"I hope he realizes that I only killed him because I loved him. I didn't want all of that modern and proven cancer treatments to taint my stubborn attitude and sheer stupidity."

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Corn King Bacon has to be one of the most horrible meat products ever shrink-wrapped, boxed, and stuck in the butcher's cooler.
Corn King bacon is impossibly thin to work with. The meat has chunks of lop-sided fat that's congealed together and not cut properly.
There are a lot of things I don't know much about, but bacon is NOT one of them.
In the above picture please notice the Corn King wallowing in shit. Then notice the Corn King package full of shit. This seems like a better use of the packaging and my hard-earned dollar than buying your bacon.
I hope you die Corn King. You can't even slice open a pig's belly and carve out a decent chunk of fat from it's gut. It's not rocket science.

I've come up with a mouth-watering recipe using a pound of Corn King Bacon you may have accidentally ended up with.

What you'll need:
1 pound Corn King Bacon - (any variety will do)
1/2 cup mayo or salad dressing
1 tsp celery seed
2 tbsp white vinegar
4 - 4 oz pork chops

Directions : Preheat oven to 400 degrees
In a bowl, combine celery seed, vinegar, and salad dressing. Add a dash of pepper if desired.
Mix ingredients thoroughly until there are no lumps.
Pull apart the god-forsaken excuse for bacon (if you can) and pull it's gold leaf-like strips of hog fat onto a paper towel.
In a 14" glass bottom pan - take the chops and wrap them with the impossibly thin strips of "bacon". Use toothpicks to secure the gellatenous substance to the pork chops. Set in pan.
Pour previously mixed mayo mix over prepared chops.
Bake at 400 degrees for 40 minutes or until the bacon completely melts into fat and falls off of the pork chops.
Let cool for 5 - 10 minutes.
Carefully remove from oven, and empty contents of glassware into the garbage.
Now eat the glass bottom pan. - It will be more satisfying.

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In her last breath;
"Open Failure", a high-bred horse from Venezuela made a short but important comment about her automobile insurance, stating, "At least I saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico", before she gasped for her last breath on Monday,
"With all of these horses falling over dead, I am so glad that many of them have decided to exit this world in an appropriate manner." Stated Diane Johnson. "They told me lots of things, from the regrets they've had in life to more important things, like how they saved money on their car insurance by switching to Geico."
"I guess it really doesn't matter if these stinky poop-bearing beasts can even drive, I just love the fact that they are bargain shoppers."
Johnson continued, "One of the horses also told me in it's dying breath that it was 'more than excited' to become glue and paste for preschoolers and kindergarteners to eat. Stating , "Eat me , please god, Eat me. You are not the only Skywalker!"
Reached for comment, none of the 21 horses could be reached for comment, as they all were dead.

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Recently assassinated Baptist Illinois preacher Fred Winters was relaxing comfortably in hell, it was reported Sunday night.
"Man, look who has cake all over his face", stated Winters in an exclusive interview from the Eastern portion of Hades. "I was wrong all along, these fags are fab-o-licous!"
"All these homos I've personally condemned to eternal pain and suffering for eternity knew something I didn't - that a hell full of gay guys with balloons and floats would be FAB-U-LOUS!!!", Winters exclaimed in a melodic tone.
During the daily Gay Pride March through the Underworld, Winters expressed his disillusionment with the whole situation, stating, "All of these fags and abortionists had it right! They are party animals. I have been living a boring, depressing, and utterly unfulfilling existence. My murder may have seemed like a scene from the Matrix, but this afterlife is totally like a scene from the Gay-trix", Winters giggled while waving at a rainbow colored float full of gay damned male souls partying and having fun on a gay colored rainbow float.
"THIS TOTALLY ROCKS!!!"

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This blog entry is simply to give Kudos to the best Triathlon Coach in the Nashville. Stephen Taylor is one of the most accomplished triathlon coaches in Tennessee if not the country.
If you are interested in triathlon training in the Nashville area, this is the guy to find. He stopped collecting trophies years ago when they piled up so high that entering his residence was like a gauntlet of large and often pointy sharp trophies littering his living spaces.
If you need a personal training coach for triathlon training or just a personal trainer for getting your cellulite-encrusted posterior back in shape, Stephen Taylor will whip you into shape in no time flat.
For example, here are my before and after pictures while working with the best Triathlon trainer in Nashville, Steve Taylor. To email him Click here
Visit Steve's website by clicking Here.











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In a surprising move, Planned Parenthood announced it's Christmas "buy five, get one free" abortion campaign this week.
"We hope these cards will encourage young women to get the sexual education and abortions necessary to sustain our mission." Cecile Richards, current president of Planned Parenthood of America stated Tuesday.
"If they get five abortions, they get one free! What a wonderful and rewarding health care system we have in this country!"
"If we were to give a free (fifth) abortion to every black teen in our office looking for sexual counseling, it has been theorized that car stereo, home invasion, and production of more kids would be drastically cut."
With a shrinking federal budget dedicated towards sexual education and with a total complete ignorance of the issues, teen pregnancy and sexual proclivity in the youth population has skyrocketed in recent years.
"We do not feel this incentive 'card' will encourage abortions", continued Richards, "But we feel this card will reward the diligent efforts of abortion-minded (black) teens looking to better our culture and family values."

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Michelle DeArmond (951-368-9441 or mdearmond@PE.com) of the California based Press Enterprise was asked to give a Symposium on media ethics and journalistic integrity this week in front of an annual gathering of her peers.
"Damn, what does this shit even mean," Michelle was reported as stating during a speech-writing session with coworkers.
"Intig- Integ- ... I just don't get it!"
Michelle was the lead journalist uncovering the horrifying and unconscionable acts of a 31 year old Democrat in Minnesota this week.
"I know what lying to someone means. I know what misleading someone means. I know what using someone for my own egotistical gains and self-delusional self-indulgent and selfish insights means, but what is all this ethics garbage all about?"
"This job is hard. First I have to gain someone's trust, then I have to coddle them, and then I have to shove a mop handle in their ass!"
During the past week, the blogger responsible for the "Obama Bucks" illustration was revealed as Tim Kastelein, a democrat in Minnesota that enjoys satire and quiet evenings at home.
"This was a real story," exclaimed Michelle. "We needed to gather as much information as necessary from him and figure out who this 'Mystery Man' was. I would have drank (Kastelein's) urine sample to get this story. I am glad it turned out the way it did."
As Kastelein's relatives house was raided by the media and while the sacred bond between the news story and the reporter broke down, Ms. DeArmond was reportedly enjoying her attention as the reporter 'Who got the scoop'.
"I'll never finish this speech," stated DeArmond.... "I don't know anything about media ethics or journalistic integrity."

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In this weeks meeting of the Chaffey Community Republican Women's group, an apologetic Diane Fedele reiterated her sincere regret of the use of the racially-insensitive "Obama Bucks" image in the group's publication.
In the club meeting on Tuesday, attended by both club members and the media, Ms. Fedele defended her apologies as sincere and honest.
"Believe me when I say I am very sorry about this whole misunderstanding. I am sorry if I offended any of those coloreds. I am sure all of these Bootlips will understand that it was a clear misunderstanding of my unfamiliarity of the burr-headed, Double A culture. When it comes right down to it, I can not think of anyone less racist than myself. I am friends with plenty of those Geechee Mandinkas. I promise this will not happen again."
When pressed further about her apparent total lack of understanding of the situation she has found herself in, a flustered Fedele continued, "Listen, I told all of the Shadow-Smurf mud ducks I was sorry! I don't know how else to convince you all I am not racist!"
At press time the California Republican Committee had not responded to our repeated calls for clarification.

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******Update 10-20-08*******

In May I drew this cartoon and posted a satirical article regarding a fake Obama food stamp plan. This article was complete satire and I wanted to let anyone reading this know that this was not a slight on Obama at all. It was a satirical look at some of the Fox News watching right-wingers out there that are afraid of a government that sponsors welfare type programs.
It was intended to poke fun at the unrealistic fears and agenda of racism that a fringe element of Republicans strongly embrace.
Evidently, people that did not take the satirical nature of the article in to account and not exploring other posts on this site forwarded my "Obama Bucks" food stamp image to their racist right wing counterparts.
So now this is a major news story.
Some dumb ass from the right wing group Chaffey Community Republican Women led by a housewife named Diane Fedele, thought it would be a good image to include in their Republican newsletter.
What a complete moron.
Ms. Fedele has stated that she didn't notice the watermelon, ribs, and KFC chicken images in the picture and just thought it looked like food.
This image was created to take to task a minority of Republicans that are racist and paranoid about someone with a different skin color. I was making fun of Republicans, not at all trying to be racist towards Barack Obama.
I appreciate all of the attention, but the people targeted in this news piece are the people I am fighting for! The minorities. The welfare recipients, and the pissed off black chick with hazel colored eyes. This "cartoon" (as described in the media), was meant to empower African Americans to stand up for and defend themselves against racial intolerance. This "cartoon" was prescribed to showcase the racial hatred and intolerance towards the "left" and it's liberal "welfare" economic plan.
Guess what? The radical right picked up this fumble and ran with it right into the opponents goal line.
The fact that a website like this exists is not evidence of racial hatred or divide, but the fact that an image taken from this website was used in a legitimate publication to promote the Conservative agenda must be proof of either existing racism or utter stupidity.


So if you missed any of the International published and televised news stories about this, I am including some links.
Fox News!
Los Angeles Times
Associated Press
Jerusalem Post, Israel
Chicago Sun-Times
Washington Times
Boston Globe
Forbes, NY
San Francisco Chronicle
Press-Enterprise, CA
Click here for a complete news search
So In case you missed it, here is the original satirical story written in May. Click here.

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French mega-pharmaceutical Sanofi-Aventis' president Jean-Francois Dehecq announced it would pull it's new Heath Ledger advertisements, it was reported late Tuesday.
"Given the uncertain circumstances surrounding Ledger's death, we feel it inappropriate to continue our, '...Really, really, really need to sleep' campaign", Dehecq stated.
"We extend our deepest French sympathies to Ledger, his family, his child, and gay cowboys everywhere."
*NEW* download this image in full resolution for your desktop wallpaper!!!Click here

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Heath Ledger's latest movie, "Weekend at Ledger's 3" was scrapped during production, sources close to the production crew said Friday.
"We thought about it long and hard, and decided that it would be too difficult for him to play a corpse in the latest comedy spectacle 'Weekend at Ledger's 3'", costar Mary Kate Olson said during an interview.
The latest installment of the popular "Weekend at Bernie's" series was to include Mary Kate Olson (Susie) and Michelle Williams (Katrina) as friends of their recently deceased boss who's death needs to be kept a secret.
"How can we possibly expect him to act like a proper corpse when he is all dead," Olson added. "This is worse than 'A Knight's tale.'"

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Vagisil introduced it's new "Home Vaginal Stink Meter Kit", it was reported Wednesday.
"This is really an innovation in home vaginal stink detection," Vagisil Rep. Rebecca Gosch said during a phone interview.
"Vagina odor detection has rocketed into the 21st century with our new product. We here at Vagisil are thrilled!"
The new Home Vaginal Stink Meter Kit works by swabbing the inside of your vagina with a specially coated "stink stick". After 3 minutes your level of vaginal odor can be matched to a color chart that corresponds to your stink level.
"I swore I could smell a dirty sock," claimed one user, "but boy was I surprised when the stink meter told me I was closer to anhydrous ammonia."
Ms. Gosch ended the phone interview by stating, "Man dreamed of flight once... And watched it come true. Man dreamed of a device that; when powered up, could provide light to light up our houses and cities, and yes; man dreamed of one day, being able to stick a sharp plastic applicator - up your vagina - pull it out and wait a few minutes - and then compare the color on the applicator to a pre-printed color chart - to tell how bad your vagina odor was."

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Local diabetic Johnny "The ragman" Sutton emerged "Happy and reflective" this week upon being released from the amputee unit at the local hospital.
Dawning his new handicapped parking permit, Sutton stated, "It is totally whacked that I got my leg chopped off because of my out of control diabetes, but I am totally down with it (excited) to have a parking space so close to the entrance of the store."
"Think about how much time I will save at McDonalds, KFC, and Taco Bell. It is hard to put a price on a limb but it is virtually impossible to put a price on a totally awesome parking spot."
Mr. Sutton also expressed his pleasure at his recent 'awesome' parking spot at the Mall of America.
"Think about how fast I can get around with such an awesome parking spot. Every piece of fried chicken and each bottle of orange soda I've suffered through have paid off.... My leg may be gone, but I will save tons of time every time I go to park my car. Losing a leg sucks, but I gained a great parking spot."
Mr. Sutton expressed great excitement at being able to 'get in line' quickly for a Slurpy and a 'Tornado' dinner treat at the local 7-11.
"I have my wife push me to the front of the line with my sugar fix, and who's going to argue with me? I'm MISSING MY DAMN LEG!!! My diabetic missing leg is totally worth it. I am now complete because part of me is missing."

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The White House unveiled their official Hurricane Gustav disaster plan for New Orleans, it was reported earlier today.
The Bush Administration, still suffering criticism over its response to Hurricane Katrina in 2005, was quick to point out their rapid action emergency plan.
During a press conference this morning, White House Press Secretary Dana Perino announced, "We will not be caught off guard with Hurricane Gustav. We have a comprehensive plan to deal with New Orleans and its residents if Gustav continues its current path. Operation 'Run Nigger!' offers a simple yet comprehensive plan that (President Bush) thinks New Orleans and its residents can understand."
When pressed about exact details regarding the plan, Perino continued, "Basically the 'Run Nigger!' plan involves all of the affected residents getting up and quickly running in the opposite direction in which the storm is coming from. We hope this innovative plan will save lives and provide clarity for Louisiana residents concerned about the government's handling of federal emergencies."
"I would like to point out that the disabled and elderly have not been excluded from our new plan. We will encourage those with limited mobility to also remove themselves from the path of the storm. For instance, many residents in wheelchairs could simply 'roll' away in the opposite direction of the storm. Others with severely restricted mobility could even be 'pushed' away from the storm. We realize that there was a lot of post-hurricane criticism over the White House response to Katrina, and we hope to show that we are not unaware of the struggles and hardships that face our citizens during natural disasters."

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The famous Minnesota State Fair kicked off late last week with the consistent drone of bus wheelchair lifts, depleting oxygen tanks, and lung blowers, our staffer Jeff Ricks on site at the fair reported late Friday.
The line of handicapped people literally stretched for miles, as our special residents waited in queue for the reptile petting zoo, the Characature sketch art exhibit, and of course; the fried cheese curd line.
"Damn, where have all these cripples been hiding," questioned Minneapolis resident "Tommy" Thomlinson. "There are more handicapped people here than at the Special Olympics."
Our reporter notes one group of people classically and perplexingly missing from the overall fair population. The blacks.
"I've seen like maybe 20 black people here all day! Twelve of them were taking tickets, two were driving the buses. three were working at the greek gyro stand, and the other three were holding hands with a white girl. How bizarre," stated Ricks.

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