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North Branch Veterinary Clinic , A fair and balanced review.

Update 4-17-2012 - Due to a threatening letter (see below), I have been forced to redo the artwork for this post. I think most will find them more tasteful. By the way, these are photos are fully protected by international copyright, so don't try to use them on your site, North Branch Veterinary Clinic!
North Branch Veterinary Hospital
My Dog wasn't feeling well, so I waited over the weekend to schedule an appointment with the local vet... I scheduled early and made a definitive time to bring her in.
She was feeling much better when we arrived but the doctor asked me if it was ok to do an X-ray, blood test, etc...
Of course, I could spend one or two hundred dollars on my old dog...
I checked out of North Branch Veterinary clinic one hour later with a dog who was pretty much the same and a bill for $420!!!!! What the fuck? Nobody ever told me that bringing my dog in for a routine examination would cost half a grand! She is 15 years old and I made it very clear to him that I didn't want to do anything heroic.. How the hell could I drop half a grand on a dog I cared (at the most) $100 about?
They ripped me off... they ran a bunch of tests that were neither asked or approved for. I am sure when they buy their new boats for their cabins they feel really good but $500 is a LOT of money for a 30 minute diagnosis.
To add insult to injury, he gave me an estimate for another $1000 worth of "exploratory surgery".
What a crock and what a bunch of money grubbing-thief assholes.... Don't EVER take your dog here. They will rack up a HUGE bill and will not let you leave until you pay it.
Fuck you North Branch Veterinary. Lick my hairy ass. If I had dealt with you before I wouldn't have been ripped off by your overcharging asshole antics.
Here is an illustration of what it felt like to give these crooks my hard-earned money.
North Branch Veterinary Hospital

Follow up by

"I would like to have the review that was posted on Aug 24th about North Branch Veterinary Hosp. removed from this sight (sic). The post has a very sexually inappropriate picture and is extremely graphic."

Update 4-17-12
Tsk, tsk... Someone doesn't like a bad review...
Copyright? Really Guys?

Since they claim copyright and exclusivity to the picture of the dog with the stethoscope, I did a little searching - and wouldn't you know it, there are a lot of places that are using their copyrighted image!
Here's some :
and more than 550 more sites... As far as the indecent image... There is a lot worse things than that on the internet. So not only did the North Branch Veterinary Hospital offer me horrible service, now their litigious for negative reviews? Click above to read the complaint... Which is a little hard to take seriously since it seems so unprofessional including various misspellings.

JetBlue's Gay Flight Attendant Steven Slater, hops, skips, and jumps out of his job.

Gees, there are so many ways we could have titled this entry.... I guess we did what the first glass of wine told us to do.
In this day in age of tired gay rhetoric an nothing original coming out of the GLBT community, we were happy this week to hear that our gay steward(ess) pulled the most fantastic drama-filled gay prank this week by opening up the emergency door, deploying the raft slide, grabbing two beers, and singing "wheee!" as he left his career and his brothers behind him.
As this story develops, we will certainly keep tabs on what this gay maverick renegade is up to. But for the time being, we here at Please God No would like to say, "FAAAABBBUUULLLOOOOUUUSSSSS!!" Way to go Steve!

My Edge Pro - Does it work or is it a ripoff?

My Edge Pro - Total ripoff? Simply put, if this ends up on the first page of your local search engine, then yes, it does suck. I am so sick of their stupid commercials claiming they can make your bad reputation good again by burying it with positive information I just had to try. On their website here they claim to "Protect your good name online".
I am always leery of businesses like this. I just wanted to see if I could sully their "reputation". Hi Guys.

Update - After one day - Reputation Defender knocked me off page one of Google. hmmm, maybe they have found a way to game the system.

Wpate 7-8-10 = also again one page one of google. Fifth or Sixth result.... Suck it rip-off scam artists!

Choking game - How to.... A Definitive Guide for all kids.

The choking Game
Hi Kids, have you ever tried the choking game? It is neat and sweeping the nation. All you have to do is take some deep breaths and then cut off your air supply. It is so much FUN and will either thrill you or put you on an autopsy table.
So here's the how to:

1st - Take several deep breaths in and out (10-15 is recommended) and then have a friend strangle you. See picture.
2nd - Enjoy the ride... You will either experience a great euphoria or a horrible but euphoric death... Either way, you win!
3rd - Hide the corpse of the friend you just killed. Find a location at least 2 miles from your house. I know an eighty pound kid is hard to carry to consider making the pieces smaller by using a hacksaw that can easily be obtained from you father or step-father's toolbox. After the corpse has been sliced into pieces, take it as far away from the scene as possible. It is also a good idea to chop your friend up in a remote location. If you need to
your parents car feel free. Make sure to wrap the body tightly as not to leave forensic evidence behind. If you have a deep lake or an ocean nearby all the better!
4th - Create an alibi, make sure your friends can vouch for you presence during the time of the accident. Come to your friend's house as close to the incident as you can and convince them you were stuck in traffic. DO NOT tell anyone about your choking game mishap.
5th - LIE to police
This second part is for parents if you find your child unconscious. Here is what to do.
If you actually are in love with your little brat follow this diagram. If you don't, pick them up off of the floor and choke them some more, just to make sure they are out of the picture.
If for some unknown reason you wish to resuscitate your child, please your hands (in a fist) into their sternum and pull hard enough to help but not hard enough to crack their ribs shattering rib fragments into their supple lung tissue.
The Choking Game is an institution. One that should be carried on for decades by our children and our children's children's. I hope I have provided enough information to make your next choking game a fun and entertaining experience.

Onkyo Sucks Onkyo Sucks Onkyo Sucks Onkyo Sucks!!!! Why??

Onkyo Sucks Onkyo Sucks

I got a free "Onkyo Sucks Gadget" in the mail with my latest Newegg order for a new home receiver.
It was a "free" Ipod Dock that came with my new receiver.
Guess what, unlike 90% of the other losers in America I don't give a shit about how "cool" something may seem to be and I don't own an Ipod.
So I sold it... And I got a decent price, even if it was lower than the last 20 auctions that it had gone for.. I was stoked for the $70. because it was free!
So I listed it and sold it for $70, and eagerly spent my plunders on useless items such as bills.
Anyway, here is what ensued....

"You recently listed the following listing:

************** - NIB Onkyo UP-A1 Dock for iPod/iPhone sealed

The listing was removed because it violated eBay policy.

The rights owner or an agent authorized to act on behalf of the rights owner, Onkyo USA Corporation, notified eBay that this listing violates intellectual property rights. When eBay receives a report of this type of violation, we remove the listing to comply with the law.

We received a request from VeRO member Onkyo USA Corporation asking us to remove the item for:

- Listing(s) uses unlawful copy of copyrighted image and text.

For more information on why your item was removed, you should:
- Contact the VeRO member directly at with your questions or concerns.
- Wait 7 days for the VeRO member to reply to you. Please know that VeRO participants aren?t obligated to reply to your email
- If you don?t receive a response from the VeRO member, please contact eBay by simply replying to this email.

Members are not allowed to use images or text from another member's listings without that member's permission. Doing so may violate copyright laws.

In addition, text and images used on another website may be protected by copyright law. You should not copy and use text and images from another website without first getting permission to use that content. We encourage members to write their own item descriptions and take their own photographs.

If you have any more questions, chat with one of our policy
experts any time from 6:00 AM to 11:00 PM MST. Get started by clicking
the link below."

Ok , This thing's already out of the door, but how uncool? I wrote Onkyo a kind note,

"I don't care because this sold already, but is selling a product you manufactured copyright infringement? Give me a break. What exactly did I do? Did not getting express written permission from Onkyo to list a Onkyo product on Ebay and describe it? What a crock. You've just lost hundreds if not thousands of dollars of future purchases from me. I have owned three of your receivers and will never recommend them to anyone who asks ever again, all because you feel like I violated your rights by selling something you manufactured. Sorry I sold it for less than you do. I didn't want it!
Please tell me exactly what I did? Copyrighted image? NO! Copyrighted text? Give me a break.. did I describe it too accurately?
Shame on you guys. VeRO is a complete joke. I am sure Ebay doesn't even punish you guys for falsely taking down people's posts. I read an article saying it's happened only once
and what's up with this?

"One study claims that up to 30% of VeRO-terminated auctions are bogus or questionable. 5% should be considered to be unconscionable but the eBay lawyers who conducted the VeRO seminar in Las Vegas at eBay Live in 2006 contended that there very few VeRO abuses. They pointedly avoided directly answering questions about how eBay was going to stop these "few abuses" while insisting they did not exist."

Disgusted Client...

Double Down Sandwich full of fat, calories, and deliciousness...

The new sandwich unveiled by Kentucky Fried Chicken this week was best described as "Fatty", "Caloric", and "Yummy" by several participants this week.
"This is the sandwich to end all sandwiches", stated a 420 lb worker at KFC. "It puts together my 4 favorite ingredients... Fried chicken, cheese, mayo, and bacon"!
I have personally tried this sandwich and I will admit that (while sinfully delicious), this sandwich can not be good for your overall health. This sandwich was very filling and filled with slaughtered animals from every species, but lacked the mild taste of bear and goat.

The other side of Tiger's and Joslyn James' text messaged Conversations.

The full back-and-forth of Tiger Woods conversation with porn star Joslyn James were released tonight after a horrific day of Tiger news. The transcript follows...

Tiger: Sent: 05:46 PM 07/30/2009:
Heading back from the course now.

Joslyn: Sent: 05:48 PM 07/30/2009:
You mean, the intercourse???

Tiger:Sent: 05:52 PM 07/30/2009:
How close are you

Joslyn: Sent: 05:55 PM 07/30/2009:
Close enough to touch your penis and bake a casserole!

Tiger:Sent: 06:01 PM 07/30/2009:
I will leave an envelope at the front desk under ms daniels. Your room will be 305. Get settled and let me know when you are ready to see me. I will be i

Tiger:Sent: 06:01 PM 07/30/2009:
n room 201. You can come down the stair well next to your room. Make sure absolutely no one sees you

Joslyn: Sent: 06:10 PM 07/30/2009:
I am a famous trashy whore, everyone sees me!!!

Tiger:Sent: 06:17 PM 07/30/2009:
Just so you know i have to get up at 415 tomorrow.

Joslyn: Sent: 06:20 PM 07/30/2009:
I have to get up at 4:20....

Tiger:Sent: 07:30 PM 07/30/2009:
Just let me know when you are headed down

Joslyn: Sent: 07:48 PM 07/30/2009:
Sorry I was knitting and forgot to come down... Sorry... When I knit, I get all distracted...

Tiger:Sent: 09:46 PM 07/30/2009:
What time is car picking you up tomorrow

Joslyn: Sent: 10:48 PM 07/30/2009:
When the taxi company calls me.. You see, they said, they would call me. Weird huh. They must be busy and junk. Are your nuts still stapled to the wall?

Tiger:Sent: 01:14 AM 07/31/2009:

Joslyn: Sent: 01:22 AM 07/31/2009:
I will come pry them off (again) sigh :-(

Tiger:Sent: 01:27 AM 07/31/2009:
Did you get lost. Door is open

Joslyn: Sent: 01:48 AM 07/31/2009:
Sorry Tiger, Every time we staple your nuts to the headboard of a hotel room, I lose my pliers. It's like; at this point you sho

Joslyn: Sent: 01:48 AM 07/31/2009:
uld carry around your own pliers. Unfasten your own nutsack from the bed!

Tiger:Sent: 02:16 PM 07/31/2009:
What time do you leave. Im trying to leave. Im trying to get back

Joslyn: Sent: 02:48 AM 07/31/2009:
I unfastened your nuts from the headboard, why do you care, you've had plenty of time to figure it out.

Tiger:Sent: 03:57 PM 07/31/2009:
Will back in 5. Let me take a shower and i will text you after

Joslyn: Sent: 03:59 PM 07/31/2009:
I can't leave because I am still chained to the bed upstairs. Remember? Wash your stinky ball-stapled ass off. Make sure to wash good.

Tiger:Sent: 04:18 PM 07/31/2009:
Oh i know. Not at all. Just glad and suprised i can do that to you Im all clean. Come on down:)

Joslyn: Sent: 04:20 PM 07/31/2009:
I am chained to the bed dumbass!!!

Tiger:Sent: 04:22 PM 07/31/2009:

Joslyn: Sent: 04:25 PM 07/31/2009:
Please refer to last txt about being chained to bed.

Tiger:Sent: 05:08 PM 07/31/2009:
I'm glad you came out

Joslyn: Sent: 05:15 PM 07/31/2009:
I had sex with 5 guys since your last txt.... One of them peed on me. Is that cool?

Tiger:Sent: 06:36 PM 07/31/2009:
Awesome baby. Be Safe

Joslyn: Sent: 07:15 PM 07/31/2009:
I love stapling your nuts to things a lot!

Tiger:Sent: 03:13 AM 08/01/2009:
Thank you sexy

Joslyn: Sent: 06:31 AM 08/06/2009:
Are you still jerking off?

Tiger:Sent: 06:34 AM 08/06/2009:
In ohio playing

Joslyn: Sent: 06:39 AM 08/06/2009:
With your penis?

Tiger:Sent: 05:54 AM 08/09/2009:
I told you im playing these two weeks

Joslyn: Sent: 06:39 AM 08/09/2009:
Two weeks? When will you be done masturbating??

Tiger:Sent: 06:50 PM 08/09/2009:
In about a month

Joslyn: Sent: 06:42 AM 08/09/2009:
Will it take you another month to stop playing with yourself???

Tiger:Sent: 06:51 PM 08/09/2009:
Maybe sooner. Can't talk now. Will text when i can

Joslyn: Sent: 02:42 PM 08/13/2009:
I wish your nuts didn't taste like dirty socks :-(

Tiger:Sent: 01:53 PM 08/13/2009:
Me to

Joslyn: Sent: 10:12 AM 08/20/2009:
Not everyone's penis smells like a dirty sock. Trust me...

Tiger:Sent: 10:27 AM 08/20/2009:
I hope not. So you have been with others huh since

Joslyn: Sent: 10:30 AM 08/23/2009:
I just got gang-banged by a midget in a cowboy suit while he was peeing on me...

Tiger:Sent: 10:35 AM 08/23/2009:
I hope so

Joslyn: Sent: 10:30 AM 08/23/2009:
The midget made me think about you... Totally....

Tiger:Sent: 10:45 PM 08/23/2009:
Not a bad thing thinking about me

Joslyn: Sent: 10:55 AM 08/23/2009:
Midgets arent really cheating, because their little bodies have no soul... Just like retards and people with Downs Syndrome.

Joslyn: Sent: 10:00 PM 08/23/2009:
Did you think about what I said earlier today?

Tiger:Sent: 11:00 PM 08/23/2009:
I totally agree

*****MORE TO COME******

Tiger Woods text messages

Tiger: Sent: 05:46 PM 07/30/2009:
Heading back from the course now.

Tiger:Sent: 05:52 PM 07/30/2009:
How close are you

Tiger:Sent: 06:01 PM 07/30/2009:
I will leave an envelope at the front desk under ms daniels. Your room will be 305. Get settled and let me know when you are ready to see me. I will be i

Tiger:Sent: 06:01 PM 07/30/2009:
n room 201. You can come down the stair well next to your room. Make sure absolutely no one sees you

Tiger:Sent: 06:17 PM 07/30/2009:
Just so you know i have to get up at 415 tomorrow.

Tiger:Sent: 07:30 PM 07/30/2009:
Just let me know when you are headed down

Tiger:Sent: 09:46 PM 07/30/2009:
What time is car picking you up tomorrow

Tiger:Sent: 01:14 AM 07/31/2009:

Tiger:Sent: 01:27 AM 07/31/2009:
Did you get lost. Door is open

Tiger:Sent: 02:16 PM 07/31/2009:
What time do you leave. Im trying to leave. Im trying to get back

Tiger:Sent: 03:57 PM 07/31/2009:
Will back in 5. Let me take a shower and i will text you after

Tiger:Sent: 04:18 PM 07/31/2009:
Oh i know. Not at all. Just glad and suprised i can do that to you Im all clean. Come on down:)

Tiger:Sent: 04:22 PM 07/31/2009:

Tiger:Sent: 05:08 PM 07/31/2009:
I'm glad you came out

Tiger:Sent: 06:36 PM 07/31/2009:
Awesome baby. Be Safe

Tiger:Sent: 03:13 AM 08/01/2009:
Thank you sexy

Tiger:Sent: 06:34 AM 08/06/2009:
In ohio playing

Tiger:Sent: 05:54 AM 08/09/2009:
I told you im playing these two weeks

Tiger:Sent: 06:50 PM 08/09/2009:
In about a month

Tiger:Sent: 06:51 PM 08/09/2009:
Maybe sooner. Can't talk now. Will text when i can

Tiger:Sent: 01:53 PM 08/13/2009:
Me to

Tiger:Sent: 10:27 AM 08/20/2009:
I hope not. So you have been with others huh since

Tiger:Sent: 10:35 AM 08/23/2009:
I hope so

Tiger:Sent: 10:45 PM 08/23/2009:
Not a bad thing thinking about me

Tiger:Sent: 11:00 PM 08/23/2009:
I totally agree

Tiger:Sent: 11:03 PM 08/23/2009:
In conn

Tiger:Sent: 11:07 PM 03/23/2009:

Tiger:Sent: 11: 08 PM 08/23/2009:
I like when you do that to me

Tiger:Sent: 11:11 PM 08/23/2009:
Ditto sexy

Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/28/2009:
I want to be deep inside you

Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/28/2009:
Maybe in two weeks in chicago

Tiger:Sent: 03:19 PM 08/29/2009:
I need that so bad

Tiger:Sent: 03;29 PM 08/29/2009:

Tiger:Sent: 03:30 PM 08/29/2009:
Me to. I would wear you out

Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore

Tiger:Sent: 03:35 PM 08/29/2009:
In a week. I will try to wear you out

Tiger:Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009:
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard

Tiger:Sent: 03:37 PM 08/29/2009:
Do you ever hook up with other guys or girls

Tiger:Sent: 03:41 PM 08/29/2009:
You didnt answer the question

Tiger:Sent: 03:43 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust

Tiger:Sent: 03:48 PM 08/29/2009:
Does that excite you at all or no

Tiger:Sent: 03:52 PM 08/29/2009:
God girl. You better want to take care of me

Tiger:Sent: 03:56 PM 08/29/2009:
You do. Need more of it

Tiger:Sent: 03:59 PM 08/29/2009:
of you

Tiger:Sent: 04"02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat

Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore

Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own

Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise

Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009:
Where do you want to be bitten

Tiger:Sent: 04:24 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. Now your talking. Whatever i want. You are mine

Tiger:Sent: 04:39 PM 08/29/2009:
Whatever else turns you on

Tiger:Sent: 04:43 PM 08/29/2009:
You tell me what you like

Tiger:Sent: 04:48 PM 08/29/2009:
You are. Always will be. Don't trust people

Tiger:Sent: 04:48 PM 08/29/2009:
But you still have not told me what turns you on

Tiger:Sent: 04:53 PM 08/29/2009:
I know you have tried every positing imaginable but what turns you on besides a dp

Tiger:Sent: 5:00 PM 08/29/2009:
I really do want to be rough with you. Slap you around

Tiger:Sent: 05:12 PM 08/29/2009:
For years. And punish you for not seeing me more

Tiger:Sent: 05:15 PM 08/29/2009:
I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth

Tiger:Sent: 05:18 PM 08/29/2009:
We will see how bad you want me

Tiger:Sent: 05:26 PM 08/29/2009:
Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don't do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy

Tiger:Sent: 09:20 AM 09/03/2009:
Was playing sexy

Tiger:Sent: 04:17 AM 09/04/2009:
Maybe you can fly out to chicage on monday night and leave early wed

Tiger:Sent: 04:23 AM 09/04/2009:
I land at 930 or 10 monday night

Tiger:Sent: 11:57 AM 09/04/2009:
Great. What time so you land

Tiger:Sent: 12:06 PM 09/04/2009:
I land at the earliest at 8 and the latest will be 10

Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 09/04/2009:

Tiger:Sent: 01:42 AM 09/07/2009:
I cant wait to see you as well. What time do you land again

Tiger:Sent: 03:15 AM 09/07/2009:
You are going to be headed to the hyatt lodge. 2815 jorie blvd oak brook, il 60523. Phone 630 990 5800

Tiger:Sent: 11:38 AM 09/07/2009:
Did you get my text with all the info

Tiger:Sent: 11:41 AM 09/07/2009:
I will text you the room number when i get there. Im still in boston

Tiger:Sent: 11:43 AM 09/07/2009:
I have to check in to get the room

Tiger:Sent: 11:44 AM 09/07/2009:
I should get there before you anyways

Tiger:Sent: 12:27 PM 09/07/2009:
In about 3 hours

Tiger:Sent: 12:30 PM 09/07/2009:
I will be there before you for sure

Tiger:Sent: 12:35 PM 09/07/2009:
You just make sure you take care of me when you get here

Tiger:Sent: 06:28 PM 09/07/2009:

Tiger:Sent: 06:30 PM 09/07/2009:
Let me know when your about 20 out i will order dinner. And what would you like to eat

Tiger:Sent: 06:33 PM 09/07/2009:
I am pretty tired after today. I am going to go to sleep early

Tiger:Sent: 06:53 PM 09/07/2009:
How close are you

Tiger:Sent: 07:09 PM 09/07/2009:
What do you want to eat

Tiger:Sent: 07:10 PM 09/07/2009:
Anything simple

Tiger:Sent: 07:12 PM 09/07/2009:
No turkey unless it's a club sandwich

Tiger:Sent: 07:32 PM 09/07/2009:
How close

Tiger:Sent: 07:38 PM 09/07/2009:
Head to the elevators and go to 334. Thats your room. The door will be open with the dead bolt. I have to get back here to wait for the food. Im in room 358.

Tiger:Sent: 07:42 PM 09/07/2009:
Let me know when you are in the room. Food just got here

Tiger:Sent: 07:47 PM 09/07/2009:
Sweet. Dont come down here yet. Lots of people in the hall. I will let you know when it clears

Tiger:Sent: 08:16 PM 09/07/2009:
Are you close to being ready

Tiger:Sent; 08:32 PM 09/07/2009:
Come on down. Its quiet here in the hall now

Tiger:Sent: 08:35 PM 09/07/2009:
There is a room service cart in my hall. Be careful

Tiger:Sent: 08:35 PM 09/07/2009:

Tiger:Sent: 09:59 PM 09/07/2009:
Make it ok

Tiger:Sent: 10:01 PM 09/07/2009:
Ok. Lights out. Good night sexy

Tiger:Sent: 08:49 AM 09/08/2009:
Hope you slept as good as i did. I just woke up which is un heard of

Tiger:Sent: 10:23 AM 09/08/2009:
So when can i have that ass again

Tiger:Sent: 12:40 PM 09/08/2009:
I will be back in a couple hours

Tiger:Sent: 12:42 PM 09/08/2009:
I have to leave for an appearance at 430 but i will be back at 730 for dinner and lots of dessert with you. How about a quickie before i go:)

Tiger:Sent: 01:28 PM 09/08/2009:
Have you ever had a golden shower done to you

Tiger:Sent: 01:29 PM 09/08/2009:
Just morbid curiosity

Tiger:Sent: 01:30 PM 09/08/2009:
Really. You. You have done just about everything havent you

Tiger:Sent: 01:32 PM 09/08/2009:
Never done it. I think i would get stage freight

Tiger:Sent: 02:28 PM 09/08/2009:

Tiger:Sent: 03:38 PM 09/08/2009:
I will be over in 10mins

Tiger:Sent: 03:40 PM 09/08/2009:
Why dont you come over here now instead

Tiger:Sent: 03:41 PM 09/08/2009:
Enter thru room 360. Its next door

Tiger:Sent: 03:42 PM 09/08/2009:
Hurry so i come in that ass

Tiger:Sent: 03:54 PM 09/08/2009:
Let me know when you leave your room

Tiger:Sent: 07:32 PM 09/08/2009:
You felt amazing to baby. How much was your flight by the way

Tiger:Sent: 07:35 PM 09/08/2009:
Having a few issues at home. Might be a little later before i see you tonight

Tiger:Sent: 07:39 PM 09/08/2009:
Parent hood melt down:)

Tiger:Sent: 08:01 PM 09/08/2009:
How much was your flight

Tiger:Sent: 05:03 AM 09/09/2009:
Shit i fell back to sleep. just woke up. I have to leave in about 15 mins. I tee off at 700

Tiger:Sent: 07:43 PM 09/09/2009:
Great thing is we have a life time of this

Tiger:Sent: 05:44 AM 10/01/2009:
I know that. Thats why i wont do that.

Tiger:Sent: 06:02 PM 10/01/2009:
Baby im not going anywhere or doing anything. You please me like no other has or ever will. I'm not losing that. You have to understand people love to tal

Tiger:Sent: 06:02 PM 10/01/2009:
k about me. sometimes its good and sometimes its bad. I have learned to just roll with it no matter how much it upsets me when its not true. My life is a

Tiger:Sent: 06:02 PM 10/01/2009:
fish bowl

Tiger:Sent: 10:40 AM 10/04/2009:
Guys from dubai. Investors. So my agent being suggested that we go back to my room at the mansion for lunch. He doesnt know about us, obviously

Tiger:Sent: 11:31 AM 10/04/2009:
This has been a total shit trip. Im sorry i fucked up last night. And this shit. We will get it right next time so we can spend more time together.

Tiger:Sent: 12:06 PM 10/04/2009:
Oh my god. If they were with me. You would have ruined everything

Tiger:Sent: 12:07 PM 10/04/2009:
I told you. Oh my god. I cant believe what just happened

Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don't Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck

Conan O'Brien's last night on the air filled with deceased twin babies, Will Ferrell, and Jeff Zucker's asshole... Great TV!!!!

Conan's last night was a noisy and reckless absurdity, reports a lucky insider that was inside Conan's Universal lot watching the last show Conan O'Brien is hosting.
"Conan then took out the Skull of Meat loaf and played it like a French Horn!!!!"
After reports of verified accounts recounting Conan "Fucking an audience member in the ear", and "Peeing on all of NBC's electrical equipment", our sources both verified that Conan calmed down.
"Wow, I expected a little more resistance from (Jeff) Zucker. I didn't even think he'd let me spray frothy urine into his wive's face... Weird..." stated O"Brien.

AdLib vocal spouse fighting official form.

Listen (adoring name for spouse), you can (verb) my (self possessive taboo part). I do all of the (laundry) around here, and I will be (criminal assault) with your sister (quantifier of previous "verbal assault") monkey ((dog)) loving your babies for a (adjective) amount of time! Fine, I'll go to (noun), and you can (verb) your self and also other people that live close to us. If I see you (verb) milkman I will (verb) him with all of the terror that belongs in a sacred realm of (place). LOVE YOU!!!!

"Where the Wild Things are" Sucked... Bad

Where the Wild Things are Sucked.
I just had the unpleasant experience of watching my childhood memories and dreams crushed in an agonizing 90 minute movie root canal of Biblical proportions. The movie theater atmosphere alone was a scene that resembled (what I would imagine) hell would be like. Screaming, crying kids running through the aisles crying and wailing at the pointlessly violent, pointlessly cliche, steaming pile of a movie.
To take a great childhood book that consists of 10 sentences and turn it into this 92 minute monstrosity of a film, with the backdrop of a single mom, a violent "monster" of a kid, and the stomach churning, sexually ambiguous, cgi-animated creatures.
Half the people left the theater before the movie was over. I am not kidding.
This movie sucked. It sucked...bad.

Hilton hotel's garbage cans actually smaller than Pairs Hilton's Vagina.

Hilton garbage cans look like Vaginas
The garbage cans at the Hilton are smaller than an average dwarf's vagina. WTF am I supposed to put in there? I can fit three bottles, I can of pop, and an empty packet of beef jerky. What kind of garbage is that. If Hilton were smart, they would put a 50 gallon trash bag and can in the middle of the room... Because you know we're going to make a mess.
Chairman William Barron Hilton stated in a late Tuesday phone interview, "Our vagina garbage cans our one of our most popular attractions at our Hilton Hotels", "We are committed to garbage cans; while vagina-looking, can also accommodate one liter of garbage."
When pressed about the incredibly small - incredibly vagina-like-looking garbage cans, Hilton stated, "A good vagina shaped Hilton garbage can should be able to handle anything you could throw in it.... $100 bills, coins, and chunks of pure gold."
We here at freakishly had a different idea about what to throw in the "vagina" dumpsters"
"I'm going to put trash in it", stated frequent traveler and vagina-shaped garbage enthusiast. It's really about the impossibly small vagina-like shape and size of the garbage can - it's about trying to throw things into it from more than 10 feet away."
"Our Vagina-shaped waste-baskets are not for throwing things away - they are for practicing real-life garbage-throwing into an actual sized human vagina."


Liberty Helicopter Tours forced to redesign website.

Flying safely for over 20 years!
Liberty Helicopter Tours web developers were called in to take down the "Flying safely for over 20 years" banner from the entrance page of their website, it was reported Saturday.
"This sucks ass", stated webmaster Scott Clemons during a phone interview Saturday afternoon. "I was in bed sleeping this afternoon and all the sudden my phone started ringing. I ignored it but it kept ringing and ringing. I finally answered only to be told that 'Liberty Tours had a crash and I needed to take the banner off of the site'. I asked them if it couldn't wait until Monday as I was sleeping and recovering from a night of partying, but they were crying and shouting at me to come in and take it down."
When asked about the Liberty Tours accident specifically, Scott stated, "Flying safely for over 20 years is one thing, but waking my ass up at noon on a Saturday just because Liberty Tours had a helicopter smash into an airplane killing almost everyone is another thing all together. Talk about micro managing! Boo Hoo, what a bunch of babies."

Danny Hauser - God prescribes Danny Hauser's mom a natural remedy for her selfish stupidity. "Drown yourself."

Colleen Hauser, the mother of cancer-riddled 13 year old Daniel Hauser, spoke to God this morning about her choice to rub eucalyptus and tea leaves on her Danny's tumor-filled body in lieu of proven and effective chemotherapy treatment.
"I can't say for sure, but I think God is kinda pissed at me", Mrs. Hauser stated in a phone interview Wednesday morning. "Yeah, I guess bathing him in Olive Oil, force feeding him raw baboon heart, and smearing his own 'leavings' into a cross shapes on his forehead, back, and buttocks didn't work as well as I thought it would. I've never been very good at science-y type of things."
Colleen also admitted that she "(is) a giant, selfish, ignorant, complacent, abusive, insane, reckless, arrogant blubbering butthole."
"When my son is gone", (which will be soon),"I hope he realizes that I only killed him because I loved him. I didn't want all of that modern and proven cancer treatments to taint my stubborn attitude and sheer stupidity."

Corn King Bacon - Horrible, horrible, horrible.

Corn King bacon is shitty.
Corn King Bacon has to be one of the most horrible meat products ever shrink-wrapped, boxed, and stuck in the butcher's cooler.
Corn King bacon is impossibly thin to work with. The meat has chunks of lop-sided fat that's congealed together and not cut properly.
There are a lot of things I don't know much about, but bacon is NOT one of them.
In the above picture please notice the Corn King wallowing in shit. Then notice the Corn King package full of shit. This seems like a better use of the packaging and my hard-earned dollar than buying your bacon.
I hope you die Corn King. You can't even slice open a pig's belly and carve out a decent chunk of fat from it's gut. It's not rocket science.

I've come up with a mouth-watering recipe using a pound of Corn King Bacon you may have accidentally ended up with.

What you'll need:
1 pound Corn King Bacon - (any variety will do)
1/2 cup mayo or salad dressing
1 tsp celery seed
2 tbsp white vinegar
4 - 4 oz pork chops

Directions : Preheat oven to 400 degrees
In a bowl, combine celery seed, vinegar, and salad dressing. Add a dash of pepper if desired.
Mix ingredients thoroughly until there are no lumps.
Pull apart the god-forsaken excuse for bacon (if you can) and pull it's gold leaf-like strips of hog fat onto a paper towel.
In a 14" glass bottom pan - take the chops and wrap them with the impossibly thin strips of "bacon". Use toothpicks to secure the gellatenous substance to the pork chops. Set in pan.
Pour previously mixed mayo mix over prepared chops.
Bake at 400 degrees for 40 minutes or until the bacon completely melts into fat and falls off of the pork chops.
Let cool for 5 - 10 minutes.
Carefully remove from oven, and empty contents of glassware into the garbage.
Now eat the glass bottom pan. - It will be more satisfying.
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