Please God No

Ounce for ounce, there is no other substance on the face of the Earth that will more consistently produce as many hours of unabated flatulence than Kashi GoLEAN Crunch.
If you have never had a bowl of Kashi GoLEAN cereal, trust me, go get a box. Eat a big bowl right before work or church or parent-teacher conferences.
It starts for me about 2 - 3 hours after ingestion. I can almost set my watch by it.
The first sign that Kashi is working is a knot-like feeling in the stomach. Kind of like a slip knot. A sharp knot that all the sudden lets go. This is followed 25-30 seconds later by a surprising fart with an unusual amount of mass.
For the next 5 hours, the gas gets so unusually intense and frequent you will barely be able to keep a straight face while doing regular daily activities.
I have been kicked out of supermarkets, gas stations, bars, restaurants, and outdoor soccer games because of my relationship with Kashi.
The only way I could love Kashi GoLEAN crunch more than I already do, is if it tasted edible like most foods do.
But alas; I would toss Al Sharpton's salad if I was guaranteed a 5 hour endless stream of explosive gas.


-----Update 8-14-08-----
I am obviously not alone.
Let's start posting actual recordings of your actual farts here on this thread! Please record your greatest Kashi farts via any means necessary! (Recorder, cell phone, computer mic, etc). I will post them here! It will be a GAS! Please convert your fart sounds into any readable computer format (.wav, .mp3, etc) and email them here.
I will "pass" the credit onto the "end" user. Don't be lazy! Record your Kashi farts!!!

-----Update 2-25-11-----
From user Pegha

After a predictable but disappointing loss for Sanjaya Wednesday night, the world was stunned by shocking images of the Idol contestant apparently losing his mind.
In the 20 minute rambling Quicktime video purportedly released by Sanjaya, there were several references to the "unfair judging practices" on American Idol as well as how "Simon has wrecked my life".
"This is for my sisters, my brothers, and everyone else that works in an Indian telephone call center for a living," Sanjaya states near the end of the video.
"He may be on the loose, and he may have guns," stated Sgt. Dykstra from the Los Angeles Police Department, "We can only hope and pray that he doesn't do the unthinkable and sing."

I'm so glad that absolutely nothing else has happened in the world for the last two days, it has given us plenty of time to interview Cho Seung-Hui's babysitter, 2nd grade teacher, middle school girlfriend, and gardener.
I thought the 24 hour news channels were for 24 hour news, and the rest of the stations were pretty much off limits unless there was a tornado headed my way or a National Emergency. When you start cutting into prime time TV to tell me that you landed an interview with a camp counselor or something, it's just silly.
I mean, this sucks, right? Who can argue with that?
That having been said; how many more Cho Seung-Hui's is the media nurturing with all of it's attention? I predict bad things.

Well another South Korean with a handgun has wrecked the whole week for everyone... again...
Please don't take this as a racist comment. I've worked with Koreans, and they have hardly ever shot at me.
It's funny the time we waste time on when there is no other important news. If Don Imus could have kept his remark to himself for another week, he could have kept his job.
If anyone in government wants to admit to a scandal do it now. You've got like a solid 72 hour stretch of time to admit to something that NOBODY will cover. It's like a scandal amnesty period.
Guess what else? 64 American soldiers have died so far this month (it is the middle of the month). I don't see any of the news stations doing a three day marathon stretch for them.

Fat girls are easy.
On an average day I get at least 1 fat girl message floating into my "Male seeking Female" advertisement on the internet.
Listen. I am not small. I don't advertise myself as someone who is as healthy as he can be. I don't advertise myself as being into fitness and eating well... BUT ALL THESE FAT CHICKS???
There's plenty of me, I don't need any more. I am plenty big enough for the both of us, so please stop hitting on me, fat chicks.
Click on the picture attached to blow up a screenshot of a Yahoo Personal message I got not too long ago. Another fat chick. What makes this picture extraordinarily funny was that the contextual advertisement underneath her picture was weight loss related. Funny.
I've been on 20 blind dates in the past 3 years. 18 of these have been fat. 17 fatter than I was led to believe, and the other two completely out of my league.
Fat chicks get weird quickly too. No I don't want to raise your two year old as my own. Thanks anyway, fatty, Fat fucking hoe.
It's like this,.. I m gonna be as big as I need. I'll put myself out on the line. I am looking for a girlfriend. And all i ask for is someone who is extremely attractive that is not a nasty fat hoe.

It is always refreshing when the local meth head gives you correct change at the drive-thru.
I frequent fast food restaurants, Wal-Mart, and gas stations. I'll say one thing.... At least in the short term, people with a methamphetamine addiction make good employees.
Thus was the situation at my local Taco Bell tonight.
"Hello, can I take your order, are you HAVING a good day? I'm doing great, my name is Beth! Thanks for stopping at Taco Bell, can I suggest Chalupa menu value pack?"
"Yes" I think to myself. This chick has just said more in one breath in less than 1 second than any other fast food speaker-box underpaid restaurant worker ever has.... "I have a drug problem"
Having used meth for more than a year a decade ago I know the signs. Zealous over-excitement about being a fast-food worker.
I recently stopped at at Casey's general store only to find the meth-ridden cashier too much to handle.
"Why didn't I "pay at the pump"", I thought to myself.
"She is wayyyy too interested in how much gas I pumped and the slice of pizze I have".
I stop there 3 nights a week for a slice of pizza for supper and have not seen her since.
Predictable.
Nappy-headed Rutger's basketball crack hoes always look the same. Over aggressive change giving techniques and a tongue that runs all over their mouth like Tsunami in India. That is the definition of "Crack Hoe".
As with the presumed Taco Bell employee, she will burn bright but burn fast.
"Thanks for the change, go the hell."

Does my dog have food? Maybe.
Does my dog have water? Of course... I always leave the toilet seat up.
Yes, true love for a dog is easy. Just dump out a whole bag of dog food and leave the toilet seat up.
Doctor visits and bathing are often an overrated extravagance that dogs and small children can live with out.
Everyone asks me when I go on a three day weekend out of state, "Hey, who is watching the dog while you're gone?"
"Nobody, asshole!" Is my usual reply. After all; who really needs to "watch" a dog that has an unlimited supply of Alpo and toilet water?
Now I know what you might be thinking..."What happens when the dog needs to go to the bathroom?"
What about it? You would be surprised at how well a 12 year old dog can "hold it" when every other time it hasn't, it has been beat without mercy. When I come home from a half week vacation I sometimes hope that maybe she made a little boo-boo on the carpet. The way I look at it, I lose either way. Either I have to clean up a mess or I have to find something else to beat on.

Listen, jackass, keep eating your pear. Stop trying to figure out why your "email doesn't "click"" You make no sense. Please go somewhere and quietly die.
I work on computers more or less for a living and have found the single most offensive group of clientelle to work with. Old people. Their feeble minds barely grasp the concept of the internal combustion engine, much less having been forced into using space-aged magic machines by their kids or grandkids. They usually don't mind paying for help, but they are the hardest group to satisfy. Sometimes when I fix something for them and step away, they grab the keyboard and look through their trifocals at the screen scratching their heads. and I feel like saying "just between me and you, I know that you have no fucking clue what you are actually doing, huh?"
Hey I can try to fix your computer, please bring all of your system disks with it in case we need to restore... And what happens every time? They show up without the disks I asked for. Then they call their husband twenty miles away to take a minute off work and go get them and bring them to me... They seem so proud of how tech-savvy they are becoming in their golden years.
"You brought me a user manual for your monitor and your Epson Stylus printer disk."
I feel like running full speed into a running plane propeller.
So, my advice for grandpa, is put down the Apple, and pick up a pear... And slip warmly and quietly off in the middle of the night with only a pear core and half empty bottle of antifreeze next to your bed.

Ok - So is it just me, or was anyone else completely offended by Don Imus' completely inappropriate remarks about niggers?I totally support free speech, but Imus' comments about the Rutger's basketball team crossed the line. Imus has really dipped to a new low. I'm sure when he made reference to those coons being featured in National Geograhic magazine, he knew himself he had crossed the line. I am starting a letter writing campaign to MSNBC and CBS expressing my disguist with his racially-charged nigger-tirade attack. Two week suspension is a mere slap on the wrist for this jew rat.
Imus, stop being such a nappy-haired hoe! Everyone knows that when you are a celebrity and when you make racially unsensitive remarks; all you need to do is say you're an alcoholic. DUH dipshit. Everyone would believe it with your past substance problems.