Please God No

Click on the picture to blow it up, but evidently the corpse formerly known as "Heath Ledger" had a wardrobe malfunction last night as his body bag peeped open and quietly exposed his back side and rear end.
"I was in shock!" A school teacher gawking at the body removal incident said. "I brought my 5 year old here to watch a celebrity's corpse being paraded around in front of thousands of gawking spectators and the media. I did NOT bring my 5 year old here to watch the inexcusable act of a male rear-end being exposed!"
"It looks like he was in rehearsal for "Broke Back Mountain 2".... Never leave your brother's behind", another spectator exclaimed.

In all fairness, I thought I'd post this reply from Alltel wireless in a prompt response to my letter that was written a mere three weeks ago.


"Response (Peggie S) 01/14/2008 11:47 AM
Dear Mr. Pleasegodno,

I have reviewed your account and the numerous problems you have encountered with your handset. I apologize for the frustration this has caused.

Per the technical notations on your account the problems stems from the type of handset you are currently using. With that being said a decision has been made to adjust your current contracts within the upgrade period. This will allow you to visit the local Alltel retail and select new Alltel equipment at the contract price.

Once again Mr. Pleasegodno we sincerely apologize for all the inconvenience this matter has caused. If you would like to accept this offer please respond back to this email and we will be happy to adjust the current contract.

Thank you for giving us an opportunity to be your wireless service provider.

Sincerely

WSC Offline support"

Nice. This is the minimum I would have expected from a bookie, much less a cell phone company. I'm glad we've met at the crucial crossroads named "The minimal a company could provide to retain my business."
Thank you Alltel for letting me purchase another overpriced cellphone and extend my contract with a company I never wanted and never signed a contract with for another two years so my cellphone will work with your system!!!! You rock!!!

I'm not terribly attractive, but I don't have a job that requires my image to be beamed around the world to millions of TV sets.
She is so hard on the eyes in fact, that I would much rather see a fat ass with ears and hair on it's shoulder covering the New Hampshire caucuses.
This trainwreck of a reporter looks like Carnie Wilson accidentally sat on a bicycle that was missing the seat... Maybe she should have gone into radio...

In a completely stunning turn of events, Chuck Norris has captured the Iowa Republican caucus tonight.
"Who were they gonna vote for? A pagan (Romney), a woman (Clinton), that pathetic piece of Antique Farm Equipment (Obama)?"
"The choice is obvious. I'm going to blast my way into the Oval Office with machine guns and a confederate flag!"
"The first in the nation caucus has historically been seen as a good indication of the temperature of the nation," an insider in the Norris staff stated during a televised interview Thursday night. "We hope this major win supports our guns and chewing tobacco lobby we have formed."
With such bizarre campaign platforms such as "Mandatory gun possession for whites", "Tax cuts on Old Milwaukee", and "Legal age of consent; 12", Norris has surprised the political world.

After the suicide bombing and shooting that took Benazir Bhutto's life last week, many in the media have been speculating on what exactly caused her death.
"There is evidence that her death was caused by her really, really, stupid glasses", said Pakistani area optometrist Jaspal Khan. "There has been a lot of speculation that it was the assassins' bullet. Some say it was the latch on the skylight that she smashed her head into, but I tend to think that it was her horribly reprehensible frames."
Dr. Khan continued, "Would someone go through the hassle of murdering someone with different political views? Not likely. Her frames were WAY more offensive than her stance on human rights and the economy."
"The last bastion of humanity could not tolerate or accept her as a human being, or as a chick with horribly terrible prescription spectacle frames. This is the legacy she leaves behind."
Meanwhile, many Bhutto supporters have been left finding something else to do with their time.
"Finally I have time to gather food and water, and have time to knit and crochet clothes for my naked children", a Bhutto supporter said during an interview. "I have so much free time on my hands that I lay down and pretend I am not in a third world country where radicals murder political leaders commonly and our president is not completely insane!"
About her future in Pakistan, the supporter stated, "I am sorry to see her die... But her glass frames were just terrible... I mean, like... Terribly, terribly, horrible."